Sit on it! (Ha! There's no comback for that.) I am not old. I know this because my dad was old and my brothers and I used to buy him old stuff for his birthday. Things like hot air popcorn poppers, Merle Haggard audio cassettes and beaded seat covers for his car. Y'know - old stuff. None of those things interested me when I was a kid, ergo, I am not old.
The other day, I'm chatting with my 23-year-old co-worker. She's talking about some funny situation and I reply, “That sounds like something on Happy Days.” Nothing. No reaction. “Y'know...Happy Days. The TV show? The Fonz?” Blank stare. Genuinely puzzled, I repeat in a cheerleader-like tone, “C'mon, you know...Fonzie! You remember Fonzie, right?!” She manages a polite smile below eyebrows knit in confusion. Beating a dead horse, I ask, “You must have seen it on TV Land, right?” She musters one of those smiles where the lips smile but the eyes don't. She says she doesn't get that channel, as her mind races for a way to tunnel through the floor. Now that I realize she's not kidding, my peppy tone is replaced with absolute shock. “You've never heard of Happy Days,” hoping that somehow the reply will be, “Oh – Happy DAYS! I thought you were saying Schlappy Phase! I'm like 'what's Schlappy Phase' ha ha! Oh, sure - I remember Happy Days! I used to watch it every week!” In this alternate universe, we'd exchange a hearty laugh and get on with our lives. But unfortunately, we're in my hellish reality. It dawns on me that I have one recourse left to jog her memory: I must do... the voice. The Fonzie voice. The “Aaaayyyy!” (No! I can't do it! Not in public! There MUST be another way! There HAS to be!) In the meantime, I fruitlessly introduce the show's characters including Richie, Ralf and Potsy (I skip Fonzie's friend Carmine "The Big Ragu" Ragusa, Milwaukee's boxing champ / dancer who would enter a street fight singing, "Or will I go from rags to riches?" No sense stirring up already muddy waters.) But now I realize there's no other way. If anything will jog her memory of a show she's never seen, it's the Fonzie voice. I make a deal with myself to do the voice with one stipulation: I will NOT do the thumbs. Not ever. Fast forward 30 seconds where I'm waving both thumbs in the air like a lunatic, groaning “Aaaayyy!!!!” (sometimes substituting “Heeeyyy!!” because I'm not really sure anymore WHAT the hell that stupid catch phrase sounded like.) Now she's getting annoyed with me because she thinks, that I think, she's dumb. When that's not it at all. I'm just realizing that if she doesn't remember watching in awe, as I did, Fonzie jumping 14 garbage cans on his motorcycle, then that means...(whisper) I'm old! Finally, she asks, “When was it on?” I say, “Mid-70s.” She replies, “Oh, I was born in 1985.” You know that scene in Hitchcock's Vertigo where the guy freefalls in front of that swirling, spiral graphic? Yep, same thing. As the days went by, my co-worker and I smoothed things over with more pleasant, more topical conversations. But, every once in awhile, I like to pop my head over the cubicle and ask, “Welcome Back, Kotter?” (pause) “Welcome Back...WHAT?” Nevermind. (Boy, my elbows feel dry today. I wonder if I have any of that cream left?)
The New Adventures of Wonder Woman (1975)
Von Blasko says the Allies have been working on something called the Nordon bomb site in Brooklyn. If completed, the Allies will be able to pinpoint targets from an altitude beyond the range of Nazi anti-aircraft guns. So Von Blasko's come up with a plan: A single Nazi super plane will blow up the Nordon bomb site and, at that precise moment, a spy will steal the hidden Nordon blueprints so the Nazis can build their own site. Meanwhile, in Washington, D.C., General Blankenship, Major Steve Trevor, and Steve's saucy secretary, Marcia, receive information from Nicholas about the Nazi plane. Normally, the war department might send a squadron of planes to intercept, but Blankenship runs things a little differently. After watching a few episodes, I'm convinced that every course of action taken by the U.S. during WWII was handled by Major Steve Trevor alone. And that's the way it should be - send your most important man on important missions! After all, who better to fall into enemy hands: some lowly staff sergeant who's only privy to which mess hall has better pie, or a senior officer who can brag about how well the Manhattan Project's coming along? It's a no-brainer. At a top secret U.S. airbase outside Washington, D.C., Steve prepares for his flight by gently tossing a white scarf around his neck. He informs Blankenship of his battle plan: Steve intends to confront the Nazi plane over the Bermuda Triangle! So you see? If Steve's aircraft gets shot down, the Bermuda Triangle gives him a built-in backup plan: Pray the enemy mysteriously vanishes. Hours later, Steve flies over the Atlantic until he spots his enemy. Here we get a glimpse of a Nazi cockpit. On the instrument panel is a large swaztika. This is very important because sometimes while performing daredevil maneuvers in a dogfight, a pilot can become so disoriented he will forget which side he's on. One way to prevent disorientation is to get plenty of fresh air. Which is probably why both of their canopies have no glass in them (This means the dogfight can also end if one of the pilots gets hit in the face by an albatross.) The dogfight ends in the usual way - flying headlong at each other playing "chicken" and simultaneously exploding each other's plane (?) So I guess this means that Steve's dead. Waitaminute...both pilots jettison their planes. They parachute down right next to each other and yet their parachutes don't tangle (Steve always carries detangler conditioner spray in the pocket of his flight suit. A couple of squirts on parachute lines can work miracles.) As they descend, both pilots go for their guns. Unfortunately, Steve's gun gets stuck in the holster and the Nazi shoots Steve point blank in the chest. Twice. Wow...I guess Steve's dead. Of course we don't know for sure...waitaminute...both pilots fall into shark-infested waters! Wow...I guess Steve's REALLY had it this...waitaminute...even though Steve must be bleeding profusely, the sharks are only interested in eating the Nazi. They must be Allied sharks (except for the one Swiss shark that's swimming away.)
In the next scene, Steve washes ashore on Paradise Island, home of the Amazon women. He is discovered by the princess (Lynda Carter) and her buxom friend, who are both running through the jungle wearing baby doll camasols (Smart! - The sheer silk probably acts as mosquito netting.) The princess, using her vast Amazon strength, lifts Steve and carries him, running back to their island city. Poor Steve is so injured, he appears to be nothing more than a lifeless, dummy in her arms - his rubbery legs flopping as she runs. The news gets back to Germany that the Nazi pilot has disappeared over the Bermuda Triangle (Hey! The backup plan worked after all!) Von Blasko, believing the failed mission was due to espionage, decides that he himself will fly the next mission (V.B., maybe you should find out who the spy is first so that doesn't happen again? No? OK then.)
When the day of the games finally arrives, we get a wide-angle look at the Olympic field (My, there are a lot of Oak trees on a tropical Island!) And the games are steeped in tradition. For example, each Amazon contestant must wear a Lone Ranger-style black mask which the queen says is "tradition." This makes the javelin toss even more challenging, especially for anyone standing near the target. But sometimes tradition is fraught with a little danger. When I was a kid in the 70s, it was my job to pull the Lawn Darts out of the ground whenever my mom invited her friends over for Margaritas.
The contest eventually winds down to a tie between two Amazons: A tall redhead and another who looks similar to the princess wearing a blond wig - hmm, who could that be? To determine the winner, each must pass the final test in an event called, "Bullets and Bracelets." The redhead is the first to fire the gun (Wait - what!? I thought this was an island of peace and harmony! Who's manufacturing six-shooters on Paradise Island?) After the princess in disquise easily deflects the bullets, it's her turn to shoot. Amazon red does a decent job deflecting the bullets but the last one grazes her arm. The princess is declared the winner and is awarded the Belt of Strength, which enables the wearer to retain their Amazon powers away from Paradise Island. Prizes in hand, the princess removes the mask, revealing her true identity to her mother. The queen, shocked, screams, “I don't care HOW GOOD you done, there ain't NO WAY you're leavin' here with no man! Now GET TO YOUR ROOM and get that grin off that face 'fore I SMACK it off!” My mistake - that's the wrong show. I'm thinking of " Real Wonder Women of New Jersey." Later, in private chambers, the princess stands in front of a mirror wearing the Wonder Woman costume. Her mother says, "I designed it myself." (and I think I hear her mumble, "Suck it, Betsy Ross.") I think we can all agree she did a bang-up job on the costume. Especially when she says it's all indestructible (even the nylon hosiery? Never a run in her stockings! How great would that be, ladies?! Am I right? There are no ladies reading this, are there.) The only thing I have a problem with is that the Belt of Strengh she wears is fastened in the back with (no kidding) velcro. So if you're thinking this could become a problem during a fight, I'm way ahead of you: Everybody knows velcro picks up lint. And that stuff is impossible to get out. She also mentions that her invisible plane that she'll be flying is fueled and ready. Her plane isn't really invisible, it's more like transparent glass. Later, as she flies over Paradise Island, the sun's rays are magnified through the plane and she accidentally incinerates all her Amazon sisters like ants.
We don't know where she parks her invisible plane but Wonder Woman runs to the armed forces hospital cradling Steve in her arms, wrapped in a pink sheet (I imagine he's going to take quite the ribbing for this from his fellow officers.) When they ask Wonder Woman who she is, she replies, “I'm his...personal nurse.” (Check that. Steve's not going to be able to show his face in the officer's club ever again.) Wonder Woman decides to take a stroll past a bank when a pair of robbers rush out, guns blazing. She deflects the bullets (clearly "Bullets and Bracelets" turned out to be the most useful of Amazon events, far surpassing chariot racing) and throws the robbers into a pile of empty cardboard boxes. However, when the police ask her to write a statement, she refuses saying, “THEY rob a bank, so I have to fill out forms? What a strange country this is,” and walks away. So apparently, there's no way in HELL she's filling out any forms, yet she's unconcerned if someone tries to bust a cap in her astral behind.
Watching her foil the robbers is theater agent Ashley Norman who, according to his business card, specializes in “dogs, dwarfs and daredevils.” Wonder Woman realizes she needs money to live amongst mortals so she strikes a deal with Norman to perform her "Bullets and Bracelets" on stage. After a successful show, Norman makes the mistake of short-changing her. When tempers flare, Norman runs away (but in his defense, it doesn't necessarily mean he's a coward. After all, it is war time - perhaps he was simply rationing his balls.) Meanwhile in Berlin, Von Blasko awaits the completion of the Nazi's state-of-the-art fighter plane, the XV-13. Von Blasko tells Nicholas, "I will bomb the navy yard and the U-boat will transport our spy with the stolen plans back to Germany. Inform Agent M." These Nazis are masters of espionage! If Blankenship ever finds out there's an Agent M lurking around his intelligence office, he'd say, "Who could be Agent M? Hmmm. Let's see. Who works here? There's Steve Trevor, then there's Marcia, then there's myself...M?...Myself?...Good Lord, I'm the spy! Marcia, come in here and place me under citizen's arrest!"
Next, we see Von Blasko flying the Nazi's newest and bestest plane -- the XV-13! By now, he must be somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean -- hold everything -- he's flying over the giant Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio De Janeiro! It turns out Von Blasko's flying to a refueling base in Argentina! Wrap your mind around that - Germany to America...by way of Argentina! THAT should buy Steve and the boys a little extra time! I realize the XV-13 is the best new plane, but the average WWII warbird had a maximum range of 1,000 miles and Argentina is 5,000 miles from New York. That means Von Blasko's plane must be carrying fuel in its tires like beer balls. Back in Washington, General Blankenship telephones Steve in his hospital room. Since our spies confirm that the Nazis are sending their best pilot, Von Blasko (he'll get there eventually - unless his engine overheats), Steve correctly assumes their mission isn't to simply attack the navy yard but, rather, the secret Nordon bomb site nearby. Now, when I say Blankenship and Trevor make all the major decisions, I don't mean the war department - I mean THESE TWO GUYS make ALL the decisions on behalf of the United States government. Not the president, not the Secretary of Defense, just these two. So Steve decides that instead of sending a squadron of P-38s, he alone will pilot an experimental plane and intercept Von Blasko. In summation: The Nazi's best pilot versus a guy who yesterday had a sucking chest wound. Steve discharges himself from the hospital and tells Marcia that he's taking a cab to the experimental plane on the old Georgetown Road. Of course, Marcia informs her cronies. Later, Steve's cab is forced off the road and he's over-powered by three guys, one of them being "Ashley" the talent agent. And while none of these guys look like they could take Steve in a fair fight, he ends up hitting his head on a rock (Ouch! That can't be good for a guy with a bandaged head.) Steve is tied up and taken to Marcia's apartment where fresh bruises on his face tell us he's just received more blows to his head! Y'know what, Nazis? Major Trevor will outsmart you yet! He's already forgotten more than you'll EVER know! It turns out the plans to the Nordon bomb site are locked in a wall safe in Steve's office. Of course they are! Where else would they be? It's almost like the president gave Steve Trevor the war department just so he could have something to do. But Marcia still needs the combination to the wall safe. So she injects him with truth serum and he sings like a canary. A while later, Marcia's in Steve's office opening his safe when Wonder Woman arrives exclaiming, "I knew it was you all the time!" (Don't you wish you had hunches that accurate? If it were me, even if I did have a hunch Marcia would go back to Steve's safe - how long would I have to wait there? Let's say I show up at Steve's safe around 6 p.m. A half hour goes by...then a couple of hours...now I'm hungry. I didn't pack anything for this stakeout. So I find a vending machine and get a Hershey bar (because it's 1942 and it's all they have.) Now it's 11 p.m. When is Marcia gonna get here? Sitting in this office chair is killing my back! I can't believe how cold it gets in here at night. I didn't even bring a blanket. I'm soooooo bored. Maybe Marcia isn't even planning to rob the safe tonight! Maybe she's coming TOMORROW night! That lucky duck's probably relaxing in front of a giant, Philco radio listening to "Amos n' Andy” and enjoying a delcious can of spam! And I'm sitting here in the dark like an IDIOT!) Marcia warns Wonder Woman that she's Nuremburg's Judo champ. I thought the notion of a Nazi performing Judo sounded made up until I Googled it. It turns out, efforts were made to train the Hitler Youth in Judo so that Japan and Germany could compete in the 1940 summer Olympics in Tokyo. But because of World War II, Japan was stripped of its host status. Yeah! Way to hit 'em where it hurts, Olympic Committee! Emporer Hirohito, your Imperial Navy may dominate the western Pacific, but you'll never get the chance to market your adorable, Olympic mascot, "Krashi," the kamakazi pilot.
Marcia tries different tactics to best Wonder Woman such as trying to swing a large chandalier into her (Has that move ever worked in a fight? Wow, what happened to you, Roger? Well, I was sittin' in this bar checkin' out this babe. I heard someone behind me yell, "Are you checkin' out my old lady?! Next thing I know, some d*ck head coldcocks me with a chandalier! They said I was out for 5 minutes. And I think I cracked a rib). Wonder Woman says, "They didn't teach you to fight fair." Wonder Woman is all about fighting fair. Using her Amazon strength, she punches Marcia across the room through a set of glass double doors. She ensnares Marcia with her Golden Lasso which compells her to reveal the Nazi plan. At precisely midnight, Steve will be killed, the Brooklyn Navy yard will be bombed and the Nordon bomb site destroyed. Wonder Woman buys Steve some time by using her completely unexplained powers of vocal mimicry to imitate Marcia. She phones the henchmen saying the plan is running one hour late. One hour is all she needs to reach Steve on foot rather than fly there in her super cool invisible plane. Wonder Woman leaves Marcia tied up with the Golden Lasso (Are you sure you're not going to need that lasso? Shouldn't you just bend something made of steel around her wrists? It's 1942 - there must be lots of things laying around made of steel. Look for a titanium yardstick or a clothes line rope made from suspension bridge cable.
Hours later, still flying around in his plane, Von Blasko receives a radio message from the thugs saying the plan is being pushed back by one hour. “Nein!” yells Von Blosko, "Anyone who delays the mission will die!" (Priceless! That is SO Von Blasko). In fairness though, you can understand why he's a little impatient. The distance between Argentina and New York is about 8,500 miles. So if Von Blasko's plane flies at 600 mph, that means he's been urinating in his pewter stein for the last 14 hours. Suddenly, Wonder Woman maneuvers her invisible plane over Von Blosko's. Through some magic power, the Invisible Plane attracts the XV-13 upward like a magnet, pinning it to the Invisible Plane. The XV-13 now essentially "captured," Wonder Woman (somehow) drops into the back of Von Blosko's plane into a small area behind the pilot's seat. Mind you, there's no hatch or anything, she simply drops inside the plane. The Invisible Plane jostles the XV-13 violently. Von Blasko does a quick check to make sure everything's still functional: His canopy's undamaged, his Luger is still in its holster and when he turns and sees Wonder Woman for the first time, his weinerschnitzel becomes locked in its upright position. After punching Von Blasko unconscious (that's all he needs - more time off his feet), she uses the radio to contact the U-boat below. This time she imitates Von Blosko's voice and commands the U-boat to surface and asks for its latitude and longitude coordinates. It's important to note that there are two sides of Wonder Woman. There's the side that's peaceful, having been raised on Paradise Island. This is the side she would use to ask the U-boat to surrender. But there's also a side of her that's an Amazon warrior. This is the side she uses to plunge the XV-13 into a screaming nosedive, destroying both XV-13 and the U-boat. (By the way - many years later, the destruction of the U-boat would eventually become folklore back on Paradise Island. To this day, Amazon kids tell the classic children's joke:
Later, in Washington, Wonder Woman hands Von Blosko over to the authorities. By the looks of him, it's unclear which part of his long plane ride did him in - Wonder Woman's punch or the blood clots in his legs. But the police make the faux pas of telling her she can't just drop off a Nazi spy without filling out forms. C'mon, officers, she's said it before: Wonder Woman will gladly endanger her life by crashing fighter planes into U-boats but she emphatically refuses to do paperwork. It's the only thing she won't do. Can't you cut a sister some slack? Do you guys have to be so rigid around Wonder Woman? Do you have to be so stiff? That leaves Wonder Woman with just one job left – to save "war hero" Steve Trevor. Soon, she breaks down the door of Marcia's apartment and defeats Trevor's Nazi captors. She unties him and explains how everything's wrapped up and that his secretary, Marcia, was a Nazi spy. Hey, Wonder Woman, here's a thought - Instead of making a career out of protecting Steve, how about getting your star-spangled badonkadonk over to Germany and capturing Hitler!
Enter: General Blankenship who says, and I quote: "Steve, I've personally interviewed 15 secretaries and I think I've found the one for you!" You have to admire this multi-tasking general. In fact, many's the time our fightin' boys overseas needed a new strategy and the general was back in the states holding a steno pad asking, "So...where do you see yourself 5 years from now?" Following the general's interviews, Diana Prince was hired on the spot. I'm really impressed with the efficiency of General Blankenship's hiring process. It's amazing how quickly you can fill a job opening if you don't ask for identification.
If you watch further episodes, you'll notice the great thing about working for Blankenship is if you ever have a problem, he insists you take time off. In several episodes, if a worker looks troubled or tired...heck even if they look constipated, the general will insist, "Why don't you take a few days off?" The only wrinkle with giving Steve time off is now the war department can't carry out any military plans until he gets back. At the end of the show, the general introduces Steve to his new secretary, Wonder Woman's alter ego Diana Prince. Steve's reaction to her physical appearance is priceless. He tries his best to hide it, but it's a look of disgust toward Diana's glasses and pinned-up hair. And although Diana's physical attributes include an hourglass figure, dazzling smile, full lips, sparkling blue eyes, and swan-like neck - none of these tip off Steve that this could, in fact, be a babe. But all's well that ends well for Wonder Woman, because the Amazon warrior, who will gladly do whatever it takes to battle Nazis except fill out forms, gets herself a job...in an office. Comment on Wonder Woman (1975)
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Nazi commander Col. Oberst Von Blasko meets with a Nazi pilot and another short, nervous Nazi named Nicholas who's secretly a double agent. Von Blasko would know Nicholas is a spy if he'd only notice how he constantly sweats bullets and acts jumpy every time spies are mentioned. For all you Nazi commandants in 1942, here's a surefire way to tell if there's a spy in your midst: Invite your most trusted associates over for cigars and ale. Next, propose a toast. When they all take a drink, quickly shout, "SPY!" and see if anyone sprays Jägermeister out of his mouth. 
The princess's mother the queen (Chloris Leechman) decides that when Steve has recovered from his injuries (being shot twice in the chest can really wipe you out) one of the Amazon women will take him back to the United States. Because all the ladies will want that task, the queen has decided to hold Olympic-style games and the winner gets to escort Steve stateside. The games will include events such as shot put, archery, and who can throw the largest paper maché boulder - while wearing lingerie just like they did back in Olympic olden-times! (It's well-documented that Astylos of Crotona set a record in the foot race wearing nothing but a lavender teddy with sequin trim.)
Next, we see Wonder Woman flying over D.C. while Steve lays wounded next to her. The Amazon nurses didn't wash the blood off Steve's face but they did a magnificent job styling his hair! Momentarily, he regains consciousness. I know what I would do if I woke up and appeared to be several thousand feet in the air – freak out! Especially if the last thing I remember is falling from the sky. But Steve is made of cooler stuff, gazing up at Wonder Woman he groans, “I must've died and gone to heaven.” (That line never failed in 1942.)
(I love this tag because it starts out vague, then becomes exact - “Somewhere... 4,771 miles”)
Back at the war department, Steve insists the next secretary he hires will look “ordinary.” Perhaps due to repeated head injuries, he has concluded that a beautiful woman = Nazi spy. Of course, he shouldn't be concerned with hiring secretaries because that's what human resources is for. After all - high-ranking officers like Major Trevor don't hire secretaries.
