Once upon a time there was a little boy with a dog. The Lawrence Welk Show was another surprise hit. The Chicago Bears' playoff victory over the Philadelphia Eagles in 1988 always will be remembered as the “Fog Bowl.” Confused? This is what the editing is like in The Wild World of Bat Woman!

The movie opens with two Bat Girls (sidekicks to the crime-fighting Batwoman) inducting a new girl into their ranks, proclaiming, “Under article 21, paragraph 2, we proclaim your allegiance as a Bat Girl!” The music swells into awful theme music that makes you realize there's no turning back now.

Once the opening credits release the names of the poor saps associated with this train wreck, we are taken to a dark alley where two thugs corner the dumbest man in the world. When the thugs reveal a gun and demand his wallet, he brilliantly replies, “OK, fellas. If you want it, you'll have to come over here and take it!” Microseconds after he's shot in the chest, I can only assume he thought, "Man, I should have said, 'Sure! Just don't hurt me!'" But luckily for justice, there are two Bat Girls hiding behind garbage cans who contact Batwoman via their wrist radios.

Nearby, in a go-go room called The Star Club, two hoods named Tiger and Bruno drug a dancer's drink and carry her away while her “friends” keep dancing! The girl regains consciousness in the car and keeps the kidnappers talking while her wrist radio sends out a distress beacon to Batwoman, who's looks like a cross between Morticia Addams and Miss Kitty from Gunsmoke. Batwoman is played by Katherine Victor. You may remember her from such movies as Creature of the Walking Dead? No? How about Curse of the Stone Hand? House of the Black Death? Geez, don't you people go to the movies?! OK, you may remember Katherine Victor from absolutely nothing. And you probably won't remember her after you see this movie, either.

Now, through the power of choppy editing, we're transported to a laboratory where the mad Dr. Neon and his hunchback Heathcliff greet the kidnapped Bat Girl. Neon works for Rat Fink, an evil mastermind whose costume consists of a suit, ski mask and hat. He communicates with his underlings via a big screen TV. Rat Fink needs the girl's wrist radio so that he can be privy to all Batwoman's plans.

Next, we visit the lair of Batwoman. OK, it's not so much a lair as it is a mansion in southern California. With an in-ground pool. Surrounded by bikini-clad Bat Girls. Soon, Rat Fink contacts Batwoman using the wrist radio and demands that she steal something for him in exchange for the release of the girl. The item in question is none other than… The Atomic Hearing Aid! The device can pick up any telephone conversation in the world. Because of its potential, the government has refused its patent and ordered the only model destroyed in 30 days. LIKE THE GOVERNMENT WOULDN'T WANT IT FOR ITS OWN PURPOSES! COME ON!

J.B., head of AYJAX Corporation and inventor of the Atomic Hearing Aid, sends his vice president Jim Flannigan to BatWoman's home to convince her into safeguarding the device. As Flannigan approaches the house, the front door opens by itself. (Years later, Batwoman would sell this device to grocery stores around the world.) Upon entering the house, Flannigan is seated in the living room by Bat Girls who exercise by slowly pulling back and forth on a horseshoe while Batwoman plays a dirge on an organ in the corner of the room. And you thought Bruce Wayne was strange!

Sidenote: When I watch a b-movie, I enjoy looking at the lack of detail a director spends making rooms look authentic. For example, over the mantle hangs a painting of a bat flying between a crescent moon and a tree branch. I'd love to know who painted it because it looks like it was done in 5 minutes by a first-grader. In fact, the painting isn't even hanging on the wall. It's just sitting on the mantle.

During their conversation, Batwoman refers to her electronic genius, informing Flannigan that he was monitored approaching the house. He responds, “You mean like a closed-circuit TV?” Bat Woman condescendingly smirks, “Something like that.” A great moment is when a Bat Girl silently walks up beside Batwoman to serve her a drink. Because Batwoman's mask allows no peripheral vision, everyone remains frozen for a few seconds until she remembers her cue and turns and takes the drink. B-movie magic!

She eventually agrees to safeguard the hearing aid from saboteurs. Meanwhile, Dr. Neon, Tiger and Bruno sneak into the AYJAX  Corporation wearing comedic fake beards and mustaches and slip “happy pills” into containers of hot soup. Somehow, perhaps through super bat powers, the Bat Girls are able to chug scalding-hot soup without burning their mouths. The happy pills make the girls dance to a tune only they can hear in their bubble-like heads. What makes the scene even better is the fact that the Bat Girls are armed to the teeth, haphazardly waving guns in each other's faces as they snap their fingers and boogie.

The bad guys then take the soup to a diner where Bat Woman and Flannigan are eating and she too falls under the control of the drug that eats like a meal. Under the influence of the happy pills, Flannigan gleefully gives the key to the vault to Neon's henchmen and soon they have the Atomic Hearing Aid in their possession!

Later, in the best scene of the movie, men from the patent office arrive in California to meet with J.B. and Batwoman at her house. Upon entering, the men witness a seance led by Batwoman in hopes of contacting spirits that can locate the stolen hearing aid. In a scene that really makes me laugh, their communication is constantly interrupted by a Chinese spirit! Finally, Batwoman is forced to request, “Could you please leave the channel free so that I can communicate with the other gentleman?” Ultimately, the seance proves unsuccessful but, somehow, Batwoman knows to send her girls to the correct cove along the beach. I guess if the spirits couldn't locate the atomic hearing aid, the screenwriters had to. But as soon as the girls arrive at the cove, they spread out and are defeated, one by one, by Rat Fink in pitched battle! And by pitched battle, I mean Rat Fink covers their mouths and drags them away helplessly, one by one, until they're all captured. Looks like all those hours of slowly tugging on horseshoes around the swimming pool really paid off!

Back at Dr. Neon's lab, he refers to "monsters" he has created! Alright! At last I'm going to see some cheaply-made B-monsters! And when they finally show the monsters, they're…hey, wait a minute…those are the Mole People! And instead of shooting new scenes with Mole People costumes, they just used the footage from the Mole People movie! Come on, producers, you could have made up some kind of original monster! A pair of rubber claws…maybe a styrofoam head with a giant eyeball! Now, we're left with nothing but this plot!

Just as Rat Fink unveils his plan to mate the Bat Girls with his Mole People (now, THAT'S a plot!), Batwoman arrives on the scene, having tracked the girls' wrist radio signal. But Rat Fink is not so easily beaten! He demonstrates his greatest invention, the fabulous "body duplicator" that can create an ARMY of slow-witted, none-threatening Rat Finks! The ensuing “fight” with the Bat Girls, however, due to lack of any actual violence, looks more like a square dance set to Beach Boys music.

Batwoman not only instantly identifies the duplicator but somehow knows how to short-circuit it, and Rat Fink is strictly mono again. Is this finally the end of Rat Fink? PLEASE!!??? We're not that lucky. He then threatens to pour Cobalt (you may remember this popular substance from the movie, The Alligator People) on the Atomic Hearing Aid, blowing everyone to kingdom come! Is this the end of Batwoman? Will everyone die? How will they survive this evil plot? Easy -- someone standing next to Rat Fink takes the Cobalt out of his hand and he's immediately recaptured. Wow, another breathtaking ending. Unmasked, Rat Fink turns out to be none other than J.B., inventor of said hearing aid. He claims that since the patent office owned the blueprints and threatened to destroy the only model, he was forced to steal his own invention. The End.

Here's the thing that makes The Wild World of Batwoman a good flick to watch: Even though it's idiotic and goofy, it's idiotic and goofy from beginning to end, at a fast pace, great cheesy dialogue and no boring scenes. It has all the direction of a broken compass but it's too goofy not to be seen at least once. And I'm ashamed to admit I've watched it twice!

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