The Super Bowl, February 5, 2006
The Atomic Monsters are world champs
In the movie, Bride of the Monster, Bela Lugosi talks about a race of atomic supermen. Little did we realize he must have been talking about the 2005 Atomic Monsters football team! Having played only one season, the Atomic Monsters already have a catchy Super Bowl slogan: "One for the thumb, now we just need 4 more rings for the other fingers." Super Bowl MVP running back Bob Burns scored all 4 touchdowns in the Monsters' 31-7 victory. Quarterback Edward D. Wood, Jr. added 439 passing yards, 158 of those yards to Vincent Price. Price was voted team MVP earlier this week through an online poll winning with 46%. Fellow wide receiver Ben "The Real Gill Man" Chapman caught six passes for 91 yards.
Fast facts: The NFC champion Atomic Monsters will take on the Oakland Raiders Feb. 5 at Reliant Stadium in Houston in what's being billed as "The Black and White Bowl."
View photos of the Super Bowl vs Raiders

NFC championship game, January 22, 2006
Monsters head to Super Bowl, nuke Faulk-less Rams 24-10
The only thing that could have given the Monsters a chance to beat the Rams -- happened. Rams running back Marshall Faulk, who gained more than 200 yards from scrimmage against the Monsters in week 15, left the NFC championship game with a knee injury early in the 1st quarter. "When Marshall left the game, we knew we had a chance," said coach The Amazing Brain-o. Further aiding the Monsters this time around, Rams starting center Dave Wahlabaugh and right guard Adam Timmerman were also out with injuries. The Monsters kept steady pressue on quarterback Marc Bulger, sometimes by stunting defensive end Richard Kiel over to the weakend right side of the Rams offensive line. "We knew that if we kept the heat on Bulger, we might stand a chance," Brain-o said. The only Rams touchdown strike was delivered by wide receiver Torry Holt who caught a slant pass, broke two tackles and raced 75 yards for a 3rd-quarter score. But solid running by Bob Burns who gained 119 yards and careful, short-yardage throws by Ed Wood kept the Monsters in control of the game clock.
Fast facts: The NFC champion Atomic Monsters will take on the Oakland Raiders Feb. 5 at Reliant Stadium in Houston in what's being billed as "The Black and White Bowl."
View photos of the NFC championship game vs Rams
Next: Oakland Raiders in the Super Bowl

NFC divisional playoff game, January 15, 2006
Monsters D force six turnovers in 34-7 win over Bucs
On the first play of game, Monsters pro-bowl cornerback Claude Rains intercepted a Brad Johnson pass and returned it to the Bucs 28 yard line. A few plays later, Lance Largent ran for a touchdown. Late in the 1st quarter, Bucs defensive end Simeon Rice forced a Bob Burns fumble, giving Tampa Bay the ball. But the Monsters defense would prevail again when, after driving to the Yucca Flats 7 yard line, Monsters corner James Beck intercepted a pass and returned it 93 yards for a touchdown. "The game was like a nightmare," said Brad Johnson who threw 6 interceptions, "I'd rather watch a Giant Leech marathon than go through that again." The Atomic Monsters will advance next week to the NFC championship game to take on the Rams at the Edward Jones dome in St. Louis. When coach The Amazing Brain-o was asked about a game plan against the Rams who have thrashed the Monsters in their two previous meetings he replied, "We were sort of hoping that another team would have bumped them off by now! This sucks -- we're gonna get creamed!"
Fast facts: Bucs quarterback Brad Johnson completed just 16 passes, 6 of them to the Atomic Monsters defense.
View game photos
Next: NFC Championship: Atomic Monsters (13-5) at Rams (14-3)

NFC Wildcard game, January 8, 2006
Atomic Monsters win Wildcare game, send Green Bay packing
Steam rose from the breath of quarterback Ed Wood, Jr. on the “Frozen Tundra” of Lambeau Field, but his arm provided the heat that led the Yucca Flats Atomic Monsters past the Green Bay Packers in the NFC Wildcard Game 28-10. The 1st quarter did not go well for Yucca Flats when Bob Burns fumbled the ball and Green Bay connected on a 53-yard field goal to take a 3-0 lead. But receivers Vincent Price and Ben Chapman came to life, finishing the day with 225 combined receiving yards and two touchdowns. Bob Burns added 93 all-purpose yards and a score. The Atomic Monsters advance to the NFC Divisional Playoff game against the 13-3 Tampa Bay Buccaneers led by their pro-bowl linebacker Derrick Brooks. A key injury for the Bucs, they will be playing without starting cornerback Brian Kelly (ribs). “We're hoping Ben (Chapman) can take advantage,” said coach The Amazing Brain-o, “like The Giant Claw at a cock fight.”
Fast facts: The 28-10 win means 18 points is the greatest margin of victory in Monsters playoff history. Also, they are undefeated when playing outdoors in the playoffs.
View game photos
Next: NFC Divisional Playoff game: Atomic Monsters (12-5) at Buccaneers (13-3)

WEEK 17, January 1, 2006
Monsters ring in new year with wildcard berth, beat 49ers 17-7
“That defensive tackle really ‘Tor' us a new one,” said 49ers kicker Jeff Chandler who ushered in the new year by missing two field goals due in part to outstanding plays by Tor Johson. On the Monsters' opening drive, quarterback Edward D. Wood, Jr. was intercepted and the ball returned to the Monsters' 43 yard line. But Tor Johnson tackled running back Fred Beasley for a loss, leaving Chandler with a 51-yard field goal attempt which he missed. In the 3rd quarter with the Atomic Monsters leading 10-0, Johnson sacked quarterback Tim Rattay, giving Chandler a 49-yard attempt which he also missed. Pro Bowl quarterback Ed Wood had the worst game of his career throwing one touchdown and three interceptions. But solid running by Bob Burns and a rigid defense was enough to escape Candlestick Park with the first Monsters win in three games. Head coach The Amazing Brain-o hopes the 11-5 Atomic Monsters can carry this competitive attitude with them into the playoffs next week when they play the Green Bay Packers in a Wild Card game. When The Amazing Brain-o was asked if a desert team like the Yucca Flats Atomic Monsters could play as well on the “frozen tundra” of Lambeau Field, he replied, “Well, The Thing from Another World took place in the Arctic, so we should be OK.” Reporters could not get him to explain the significance.
Fast facts: Bob Burns TD run late in the game kept his streak alive, scoring at least one touchdown in every game in the regular season.
View game photos
Next: Wildcard game, at Green Bay Packers
Click here to read a transcript of coach Brain-o's press conference as he discusses the upcoming playoff game.

WEEK 16, December 25, 2005
Monsters swept off their feet again in 31-21 loss to Cardinals
The Yucca Flats Atomic Monsters (10-5) have fallen to the Arizona Cardinals (8-7) for the second time this season, meaning the Monsters have now been swept by both division rivals Cardinals and Rams. The Monsters drew first blood when DT Tor Johnson sacked Kurt Warner and forced a fumble which Yucca Flats recovered on their own 31 yard line. On the very next play, Bob Burns ran off tackle 69 yards for a touchdown and a 7-0 lead. Arizona owned the next several minutes of the game scoring two touchdowns through the air and they led at the half 17-14. The Monsters faced a difficult second half. The normally sure-handed Ben “Gill Man” Chapman dropped 4 balls on the day, two of them for touchdowns. The Monsters had one last gasp of breath in the 4th quarter but quarterback Ed Wood, Jr. was knocked out of the game with a shoulder injury and Peter Graves stepped in to throw an interception sealing their doom. Wood threw for 240 yards and two scores while Bob Burns racked up 105 yards on the ground and a touchdown. Vincent “Thriller” Price caught 11 balls for 185 yards and one score. The lovely Yvette Vickers added her first touchdown since week 9. Meanwhile, the Rams (12-3) officially won the NFC West divisional title with a 41-7 thumping of the Bengals. In happier news, eight Atomic Monsters were voted into the Pro-Bowl.
Fast facts: The Monsters, who lead the league with 33 pts/game, have scored an average of just 14 points over the past two weeks.
View game photos
Next week: at San Francisco 49ers (7-8)

WEEK 15, December 18, 2005
Rams continue to own Atomic Monsters 42-14
It's hard for monsters to wreak havoc when there's a marshal in town, especially when that marshal is Marshall Faulk, the future hall of fame running back for the St. Louis Rams who continues to split the Atomic Monsters whether home or away. Faulk ran for 144 yards on the ground, adding 84 yards receiving and 2 touchdowns while quarterback Marc Bulger threw for 188 and 3 scores. The St. Louis Rams (11-3) have beaten the Yucca Flats Atomic Monsters (10-4) for the second time this season. With a record of 10-4, the Monsters are still looking to make the playoffs, but to win the NFC West division now the Monsters would have to win their final two games while the Rams would need to finish with two unlikely losses to the Bengals (4-10) and Lions (3-11). “The same ting happened last time we played,” yelled Tor Johnson like a big Angry Red Planet, “we stay wit ‘em pretty good until da 4th quarter…and den da wheels come off!” Quarterback Ed Wood was held to just 173 yards passing and one score, while running back Bob “Kong's a hit!” Burns, the league's second-leading rusher, was held to 72 yards and one touchdown. The Rams defensed seemed to spray Vincent “Da Fly” Price with Raid, limiting the dangerous receiver to three receptions for 55 yards and no TDs.
Fast facts: Over their last two meetings, the St. Louis Rams have now beaten the Atomic Monsters by a combined score 87-42.
View game photos
Next week: Arizona Cardinals (7-7)

WEEK 14, December 11, 2005
By the hammer of Thor! Monsters slay Vikings 33-7
Odin's eye! The Atomic Monsters (10-3) verily spanked the Minnesota Vikings 33-7 led by a defense that forced two fumbles and four interceptions, one for a touchdown by Invisible Man star Claude Rains. Vikings quarterback Daunte Culpepper ended the day with a qb rating of 23. In the third quarter, cornerback Claude Rains returned an interception 34 yards to take a 26-7 lead. Next week, the Monsters fly to St. Louis to take on the Rams for a chance to take the lead in the division. The last time these two teams met was back in September when the Rams clobbered them 45-28 on the back of Marshall Faulk's 4 touchdowns. In our News section, safety John Agar gets fired up discussing the upcoming game.
Fast facts: Monsters running back Bob "Kogar" Burns has scored at least one touchdown in 14 consecutive games.
View game photos
Next week: St. Louis Rams (10-3)

WEEK 13, December 4, 2005
Monsters beat Browns, stay tied for division lead
The Atomic Monsters (9-3) remain tied with the St. Louis Rams for the lead in the NFC West following a 45-20 Browns whipping in Cleveland. Atomic Monsters' Ray Stratton returned a punt in the first quarter 78 yards, but Cleveland answered with a touchdown pass to Quincy Morgan to tie the game 7-7. After two consecutive touchdowns by Bob Burns, the Browns narrowed the gap 24-13 at halftime with a 22-yard field goal. A third quarter 23-yard touchdown reception by Vincent "Thriller" Price put the game out of reach for the struggling Browns. Coach Braino then rested the starters but backup running back Lance Largent rushed for a touchdown, while quarterback Peter Graves connected with Ben Chapman for a 38-yard score. Head coach The Amazing Brain-o has even more ideas to improve the team.
Fast facts: The Atomic Monsters rushed for 227 yards, 8.1 yards per carry.
View game photos
Next week: Minnesota Vikings (3-9)

WEEK 12, Nov. 27, 2005
Atomic Monsters scratch, claw past Ravens 21-17
For the second time in the last three weeks the Yucca Flats Atomic Monsters (8-3) overcame a deficit of 14 points or more beating the Baltimore Ravens (5-6). In the first quarter, Baltimore's Jamal Lewis ran the ball off left tackle, blowing defensive end Richard Kiel off the line of scrimmage and scoring a 6-yard touchdown. The Monsters went three and out on their first possession and the Ravens' Chris McCalister returned the punt 83 yards for a 14-0 first quarter lead. Ben “Gill Man” Chapman got the Monsters back in the game with a 40-yard reception, setting up a Bob Burns short-yardage touchdown run. Trailing 17-14 in the third quarter, the Monsters defense came up big forcing a Jamal Lewis fumble, getting the ball on Baltimore's 5 yard line. Bob “I own original King Kong props” Burns jetted for a 32-yard run in the 4th quarter, setting up a game-winning touchdown reception by Vincent Price on a slant pass from Ed Wood. Burns ended the day rushing for 114 yards, adding 54 yards receiving. The Monsters top two receivers caught six balls each, Price totaling 75 yards, Chapman reaching 99.
Fast facts: While the defense played tough, they failed to register a sack or an interception for the third time this season.
View game photos
Next week: Cleveland Browns

WEEK 11, Nov. 20, 2005
Yucca Flats "Burns" Detroit Lions 38-10
Monsters running back Bob “The Lion Tamer” Burns would have been happy scoring one touchdown. But two? Three? Four?? What is this...some bad b-movie editing? Nope -- it's for real! Burns rushed for a career best 4 touchdowns as the Atomic Monsters (7-3) tamed the Detroit Lions (3-6) 38-10 in front of a home crowd at American-International Stadium. Burns had short runs of 1, 4, 1 and 1, most of the Monsters yardage coming through the air from Edward D. Wood, Jr. who threw for 426 yards, including a 42-yard touchdown pass to the webbed hands of Ben “The Gill Man” Chapman. Chapman led receivers with 8 catches for 212 yards. The defense (led by Tor Johnson's two sacks) kept the Lions in check until Kevin Jones took it to the house from 42 yards out, narrowing the lead 28-10 in the 3rd quarter.
Fast facts: In the NFC West division race, the Atomic Monsters are just one game behind division-leading St. Louis Rams who lost today to the Baltimore Ravens.
View game photos
Next week: at Baltimore Ravens

WEEK 10, Nov. 13, 2005
Monsters overcome 17-point deficit, beat Redskins 42-26
The icy-cold rain which fell on RFK Stadium chilled the Yucca Flats Atomic Monsters (6-3) into a 17-point deficit to the Washington Redskins (4-5) early in the 2nd quarter. “We really felt them circling the wagons,” coach Brain-o said later to reporters, “Early on, I was afraid we'd get scalped,” he added, exhausting Native American metaphors. Trailing 3-0, the Atomic Monsters drove to the Redskins goaline before quarterback Ed Wood was picked off and the interception returned 100 yards for a Washington 10-0 lead. “I never should have thrown that ball,” Wood reflected, “That mistake would have really chafed me if not for the red velvet dress I was wearing underneath my uniform.” Late in the 3rd quarter, with Yucca Flats leading 21-20, Vincent Price stiff-armed a defender and raced 88 yards to become the first receiver in the league this season to reach 1,000 yards. His receiving yardage total for the game, 244, is a new club high. Ed Wood would finish the day throwing for 409 yards and 3 scores with 1 int.
Fast facts: Bob Burns scored 2 rushing TDs and 1 receiving TD, bringing his season total to a league-leading 22 touchdowns.
View game photos
Next week: Detroit Lions at home

 WEEK 9, Nov. 6, 2005
Monsters reach new heights in 49-7 romp over Steelers
Following a thorough drubbing in week 8 at the paws of the Bengals, the Yucca Flats Atomic Monsters (5-3) melted the Pittsburgh Steelers (3-5) into a puddle of molten goo. Quarterback Ed Wood returned from a back injury with an opening drive that resulted with an 11-yard TD pass to the lovely tight end Yvette Vickers, who later scored again in the 3 rd quarter. Corner Claude Raines returned an interception 29 yards, then repeated the feat in the 2 nd quarter with a club record 88 yard interception return for his second score of the day. “That quarterback can't see me,” Raines taunted after the play, “I'm the Invisible Man!” Ben Roethlisburger responded, “Yeah, we get the irony!” Ed Wood finished the day throwing three TDs while Vincent Price hauled in 14 catches for 220 yards, both club records. After the game, when he was asked if any defense can stop him, Vincent Price he responded:
Fast facts: Claude Rains currently leads the NFL with 7 interceptions.
View game photos
Next week: at Redskins

WEEK 8, Oct. 30, 2005
Monsters commit five turnovers in 38-28 loss to Bengals
The Atomic Monsters caught a tiger by the tail and it dragged them through a meat grinder. Yucca Flats (4-3) gave the ball to the Bengals (4-3) 3 times in the first half alone that put the game out of reach 31-14 at halftime. A 3rd quarter Ben Chapman touchdown cut the Bengals lead to 10 before a 4th quarter Peter Graves interception sealed Cincincinati's victory and ended the Atomic Monsters' three game winning streak. The Bengals defense held Monsters rushing leader Bob Burns to just 22 yards and two fumbles, while the Atomic Monsters defense was gashed by Bengals running back Rudi Johnson for 113 yards and 3 touchdowns. Quarterback Peter Graves finished the game throwing for 287 yards, 3 touchdowns and 3 interceptions. Starting quarterback Edward D. Wood, Jr. (back) is probable for next week. The Atomic Monsters trail the St. Louis Rams by 2 games in the NFC West. Outspoken receiver Vincent Price may expect a fine from the league for pretending to moon the crowd during the game.
Fast facts: The Monsters Ray Stratton broke his own club record with an 86-yard punt return, beating his 82-yard return last week.
View game photos
Next week: at Steelers

WEEK 7, Oct. 23, 2005
Lions, Tigers, Bears, Oh My! Actually, Monsters beat Bears 35-23
The 2005 NFL schedule has the Atomic Monsters (4-2) taking on the Detroit Lions in week 11 and the Cincinnati Bengals next week. The Bears (3-3), however, were reduced to poridge 35-23, led by 3 touchdowns by running back Bob Burns. The Bears jumped out to an early lead in the 1st quarter with a 57 yard bomb. In the 2nd quarter, Monsters receiver Ray Stratton answered with an 82-yard punt return -- the Atomic Monsters first special teams touchdown! Interim quarterback Peter Graves threw for 239 yards and a touchdown in his second NFL start. He would later comment, "Jeepers, that was fun!" The Monsters trail the Rams by one game in the NFC Western division.
Fast facts: Defensive tackle Tor Johnson records his fifth sack of the season.
View game photos
Next week: at Bengals

WEEK 6, Oct. 16, 2005
Peter Graves throws 4 tds in first NFL start
Just six weeks old, the Atomic Monsters (3-2) may have their first quarterback controversy. Replacing starting qb Ed Wood, Jr. (back), Peter Graves threw for 288 yards, 4 tds and no interceptions in a 42-7 romp over the 49ers (2-4). Running back Bob Burns continued his Pro-Bowl pace with 190 yards rushing and 2 tds. Wide receiver Vincent “Da Fly” Price scored twice and defensive back Claude Rains seemed invisible to the niners quarterback, making two interceptions in the 4th quarter to seal the victory. Regarding Ed Wood, Jr's job security, head coach Brain-o commented, “It really makes you stop and think whether or not you should start a quarterback who wears a pink, angora sweater under his jersey.” Regardless, Wood's quarterback rating remains an impressive 125.2 and has thrown for 9 touchdowns.
Fast facts: Bob Burns leads the NFL in rushing yards (627) and rushing touchdowns (9).
View game photos
Next week: Bears at home

WEEK 5, Oct. 9, 2005
Monsters atomize Packers 52-3, lose Ed Wood to back injury
The Green Bay Packers are used to harsh winters in Wisconsin, but future hall of famer Brett Favre and company weren't prepared for a nuclear winter in the form of The Atomic Monsters. The Monsters jumped out to a 31-3 half time lead thanks in part to a tenacious performance by defensive tackle Tor Johnson. The "Swedish Super Angel" recorded 2 sacks and forced a fumble in the first half while middle linebacker Lon Chaney, Jr. recorded his first career interception. Quarterback, b-movie director and part-time wearer of women clothes Edward D. Wood, Jr. threw for 197 yards and two touchdowns before going down late in the 4th quarter with a back injury that may sideline him 3-4 weeks. Coach Brain-o confirmed the Atomic Monsters, who have little depth at the quarterback position, will look to free agency for a suitable backup to Ed Wood.
View game photos
Next week: at 49ers

WEEK 4, Oct. 2, 2005 BYE WEEK

WEEK 3, Sept. 25, 2005
Monsters lose seesaw battle with Rams
Tied at the half 21-21, the Atomic Monsters (1-2) couldn't keep pace with division rival St. Louis Rams (3-0) and lost 45-28. Monsters QB Ed Wood, Jr. threw his first interception of the season, resulting in a Rams touchdown, a 4-yard run by Marshall Faulk. Ben “Gill Man” Chapman answered with a 19-yard touchdown reception at which point the Monsters trailed 31-28, before failing to stop a crushing 92-yard kickoff return. The Monsters failed on a 4th down attempt and the high-octane Rams continued the humiliation with a 3-yard TD run by Faulk. It was the second straight game the Atomic Monsters defense failed to record a sack or an interception.
Fast facts: Currently, WR Ben Chapman is 2nd in the league in receiving yards with 338, 1st with 21.4 yards per catch.
View game photos
Next week: Bye

WEEK 2, Sept. 18, 2005
Fumbling Monsters fall to Cardinals 28-24
A late 4th quarter rally wasn't enough to propel the Atomic Monsters (1-1) past the Arizona Cardinals (2-0). After trailing 21-3 at the half, due to three costly fumbles in the first quarter, the Monsters scored 14 unanswered points in the second half only to get burned in the waning moments of the game. Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner blistered the Atomic Monsters for 3 touchdowns, including a 65-yard strike to Larry Fitzgerald. Last week, Saints RB Deuce McCallister burned the Monsters on a 30-yd td reception, leaving us to wonder: Just how bad is the Monsters secondary?
Fast facts: Bob Burns rushed for 115 yards, the first 100 yd. rushing game of his career.
View game photos
Next game: St. Louis Rams (1-1) at Atomic Monsters (2-0)

WEEK 1, Sept. 11, 2005
Atomic Monsters win inaugural game vs. Saints 35-30
Quarterback Edward D. Wood, Jr. gave fans hope for the future by throwing 3 touchdowns in the first half. Running back Bob Burns added 154 combined yards and 2 TDs, while TE Yvette Vickers became the first woman to score an NFL touchdown with a 6 yard reception. WR Ben "Gill Man" Chapman made 6 catches for 93 yds and 1 TD. DT Tor Johnson led a vicious defensive unit that combined for 4 sacks and two interceptions both by CB Claude Rains. The Monsters led 35-7 by the end of the 3rd quarter but a late Saints rally nearly cost them the game. Afterwards, Tor Johnson commented, “Dem Saints is tough!”
Fast facts: Vincent Price became the first Atomic Monster in history to score a touchdown with a 10 yard reception in the first quarter.
View game photos
Next game: Week 2 at Arizona Cardinals