Reptilicus (1961)

Reptilicus is about a man, Dr. Otto Martins, who made a mistake — a paleontologist who unwittingly unleashed a dinosaur that ran amok and destroyed most of Copenhagen.

But hey – nobody’s perfect. I can relate to the professor because I've made plenty of mistakes in my life, too. For example, one time I was scraping old paint off of my house. Unfortunately, when I rinsed it off with a garden hose, it sprayed water back into my eyes. No, wait a minute…that's not the “unfortunate” part. The unfortunate part was that it wasn’t water, it was bleach. I don’t remember much after that except searing, searing pain but I imagine I yelled “AAARGH!” or something to that effect. My wife laughs to this day thinking of my face soaking in a large bowl filled with cold water.

Then there was the time I was eating a Lay's potato chip. That's all – biting a large potato chip, when suddenly (I could not make this up) a tiny fragment, this diamond-hard fleck of spud shrapnel somehow launched itself from the corner of my mouth into my eye at Warp Factor 9 speed. “AAARGH!” I distinctly remember yelling as I crumpled to the floor in agony.

While working on this review, I received an industrial supplies catalogue featuring this little baby. I think I should invest in one, don't you?

Please, have another: I happen to have several Pez dispensers in my desk drawer (you know Pez – the most delicious of all rectangular candies.) I don’t collect them but if I get one as a gift, it ends up in my desk (OK, so sometimes when no one’s looking I make Wonder Woman make out with Darth Vader …who doesn’t?!) Anyway, one day I happen upon an old Pez dispenser and I snap back the little head so that I can most efficiently feast from its throat but the crusty old candy was stuck to the plastic. Do I try to fix it using a tool like a human? No. I do what I always do -- hit it or try to force it open like a monkey. SUDDENLY, a Pez projectile fires directly into my eye! “AAARGH!” I yelled, spinning around in my swivel chair (I can see these stories might have been more appropriate with the Crawling Eye review.)

But nothing will match the time I was snow blowing the sidewalk one wintry morning and the wind blew the snow back into my face. As it melted on my lips I thought, “That tastes kind of salty.” I looked behind me and there on the sidewalk was a melted, yellow circle where the dog had earlier peed. I remember distinctly that I didn't yell “AAARGH!” that time because no words could undo that horrible moment. Anyway, we’ve all been there. And some of us have been where a dog has been.

“Somewhere in the forbidden mountains of Lapland,” says the narrator, copper miners accidentally drill through a tail section of a frozen, perfectly-preserved prehistoric lizard (Well, perfectly preserved until they drilled a hole through it.) The fossiles are taken to paleontologists Dr. Otto Martins and Dr. Peter Dalby at the aquarium in Copenhagen.

As Peter tries to put the recently-discovered pieces together, Otto wisecracks, “I don't know why you're wasting your time with those fossils!” (Um, because it's your job?!) Otto adds, “After all, it’s like a JIGSAW PUZZLE!” (Yeah,  nobody's ever solved one of THOSE before!) Otto (the little train that COULDN'T) continues, “We don't even know if all the bones we found are from the same animal! (I would guess – if the bones were, say, those of a GIGANTIC LIZARD, they would probably be much different than those found in, oh I don't know, a squirrel!)

But Otto's dedication to the sciences is better than his ability to hire security needed to guard the frozen tail kept in the lab’s meat locker.

Now, let's pause for a moment. Let's say you made this discovery of worldwide importance. Who would you hire to guard it? Maybe you would call the local authorities for assistance. Maybe even hire a private security firm? Sounds good. Is this what Otto does? No. Otto hires the biggest bumpkin in all of Denmark, “Mr. Peterson." This giant, nordic Sling Blade, does little except perform a really bad Jerry Lewis impression. Not to jump ahead, but Mr. Peterson never gets eaten by Reptilicus which was something I was really hoping for.

On an unrelated note, as I write this review, an electrician is installing a ceiling fan in my house and he keeps pulling me away to ask me questions. I would love to say to this manly-man (in a shrieking, girly voice), “Hey ...I know you've got a job to do here with your wiring and your cordless drill and your Sawz All, but I've got a MONSTER MOVIE to review for my Web site and it's not going to write itself!” He’d be telling that story to his buddies for years. Probably over a beer and a lap dance.

Otto continues to impress us with his dino-knowledge telling a reporter, “Using this tail section as a guide, we estimate the dinosaur must have been ...gigantic.” WOW, that’s a spot-on estimate, doc!

If salmonella from uncooked chicken is dangerous, can you imagine how sick you would get handling 100 million year-old dinosaur flesh?

Working very late one night, Peter enters the meat locker to examine the tail section. Without wearing gloves, he uses a scalpel to cut a small piece of dino flesh then pulls it off with his bare fingers! YUCK!  How much gel hand sanitizer would it take to kill dinosaur salmonella? You’ve read the label “Kills 99.99? of germs?” Reptilicus is the missing .01%!

Batting a thousand, Peter falls asleep at his desk just in time to not hear the sound of the unlatched meat locker door swing open. When Otto and his ditzy daughter arrive at 8 a.m., the 6 foot, 250 lb. tail section has completely thawed! Come on! It takes me 3 days to defrost a turkey!

At any rate, they discover the wound on the tail made by the drilling rig is beginning to heal! Otto estimates the tail will not only regenerate but will replace missing tissue until an entire dinosaur has been reconstructed! The basis of his theory? BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT A STARFISH CAN DO. What does a starfish have to do with a prehistoric lizard?! But you have to hand it to Otto, as we'll soon find out, he hit it right on the head.

If you think news of a dinosaur would only draw a half dozen reporters, you'd be WAY OFF – try nearly doubling that!

The next morning, Otto receives a visit from two members of the U.N. — ultra-babe Miss Miller (who isn’t seen nearly enough in this movie) and military brass Brigadier General Mark Grayson. Later that day, Otto calls a press conference to announce their discovery of a dinosaur tail that’s repairing itself and a whopping 11 people show up!

But now's not the time for worrying about a self-regenerating behemoth in our midst — it's time to sightsee! Brig and Miss Miller show us the sights and sounds of Copenhagen. Some of the footage of this beautiful city goes on so long I feel like I’ve seen everything Copenhagen has to offer. In 1961.

In Reptilicus, there's a montage of touristy scenes including this one, where a guy waves directly at the camera and they left it in.

Meanwhile, the tail section is moved to a nutrient bath and it gradually begins to grow limbs and a head (because of course you’d want to GROW a dinosaur before having anything to RESTRAIN it.) Otto notices its fangs now secrete a green, corrosive acid and makes a note of it. That seems like a rather blasé response to growing a dinosaur with acid fangs, doesn't it!? I mean usually you'd say, “If these goldfish get much bigger, I'll need a bigger bowl.” Not, “Hmmm, my goldfish seem to be DISSOLVING MY HAND!”

Later that night, as Peter again works late at night in the lab (they're trusting this guy to work alone again with a fully-grown dinosaur?!) When the electricity in the lab is knocked out by a lightning storm, Peter draws a .45 from his drawer (Peter might not be as dumb as we thought) and investigates. He tells Mr. Peterson to jump on his bike and get the cops (not to harp on the matter, but maybe he could’ve hired a security guard with a driver’s license!)

When Otto, Brig and the others arrive, they find Peter's broken glasses amid the rubble that was once their lab. Brigadier asks Otto, “What happened?” Otto says, “I don't know. Something brought Reptilicus out of his dormant stage. Maybe it was the storm ...maybe it was the increased flow of nutrients...” (Uh, YA THINK?? Yeah, that might be the answer to your riddle right there, doc!)

Brig sets up a base of operations at the barracks of the Royal Guard and hands out assignments to the assembled military and police. Afterwards, he asks, “Any questions?” and there aren't any! Nobody has a question? How can they not have any questions?! They're chasing a giant prehistoric lizard in a populated area! I could think of some, such as:

• What should I do if I cross paths with a gigantic lizard?
• And if so, with what do I kill it?
• I’m only asking because he could be ten stories tall and you gave me a pistol.
• Could it eat me while I’m shooting my pistol?
• What are these “acid fangs” I've heard so much about?

Then a report comes in: Reptilicus has been spotted in farm country and it’s UDDER chaos! (click here for rim shot) They discover not only does he eat bulls but also has the amazing ability to suck all the skin from their skulls! Do dinosaurs have lips or can they just handle a tomahawk like a Cherokee?

When the army attacks with its first salvo, Reptilicus is repelled. Toward a farmhouse filled with occupants. Whoops! The horror that happens next is beyond words, beyond description! OK, here's what happens: Reptilicus attacks a farm house with a mom, dad and two kids inside. Just before the roof comes crashing in, Father of the Year makes a run for it! (We haven’t seen bravery like this since the guy in The Beast of Yucca Flats told his wife, "You wait here -- I'm going for help!" and drove off leaving her alone in the desert.) As you'll see in the video above, the father runs outside, is quickly printed in a magazine, then cut out and eaten.

Brig's forces catch up to Reptilicus and a fierce, open field battle takes place. It's Reptilicus vs the finest weapons of World War II. The monster laughs off the M-16s and Howitzers but the flamethrowers drive him into the Baltic. Later, back at headquarters, Brig plots their next move: attaching the aquarium's underwater camera to a navy boat. Is there a BUDGET for this war? I mean there's an artillery-proof dragon on the loose and Brig’s making like MacGyver. “Maybe if I tie a rope to this toilet plunger and then shoot it with this bow...”

So they locate Reptilicus underwater and drop depth charges. When Miss Miller reminds Brig that blowing him to pieces means each piece will regenerate into a new monster, he realizes he must have slept through that part of Otto's press conference. “Break off the attack!” But it's too late – we see a bloody, severed claw sink to the bottom of the sea! Back at H.Q., some startling news: Otto's had a heart attack. I'm no cardiologist, but it may have been brought on from the stress of releasing an unstoppable killing machine on the world.

Next is a hilarious scene that looks like an Annette Funicello movie, “Beach Blanket Behemoth.” At this point, I've noticed something about his acid slime: Every time he upchucks his nuke puke, the movie will cut to the next scene. The dinosaur should've gotten editing credit on this movie.

Reptilicus appears in downtown Copenhagen, battering buildings with his pendulous, marionette head. Brig is very upset that he can't drop bombs. He throws a fit and uses his pointer to knock toy tanks off his table map! He explains what needs to happen militarily in great detail: “We can't lick Reptilicus with our field pieces. We'll drive him out into open country, then clobber him with our heavy stuff!” (Oh! Well! If you've got heavy stuff, there's no need to worry!) But alas, using heavy stuff turns out to be a complete failure. Unless the objective was to set Copenhagen on fire -- then it's a roaring success!

Otto (right) faces off General Grayson in a pout-off!

Brig decides to use his big bombs anyway (a general with attention deficit?) causing Dr. Otto to enter the room defiant with his old Can't-Scatter-Him-Because-He'll-Regenerate-Into-A-Million-Dinosaurs schpeel. It turns into a staring contest between two sweaty, pouty-face men.“ But Brig counters with a reasonable question, “Then suppose you tell me how to stop him!” Otto replies, “It doesn't matter how!” (REALLY?! Are ya sure?!) Suddenly, Otto experiences heart pain, grabbing his chest. They help him out of the room. Moments later his daughter returns stating, “He's resting now, the doctor gave him a hypo.” A hypo?! Hmm, I guess whatever's in that hypodermic needle does the job of a defibrillator and open heart surgery!

The good news is by seriously misdiagnosing Otto's ailment, Brig gets the idea to drug the dino! This is one of my favorite scenes in the movie: Brig poses the question, “Is there a drug powerful enough to knock out a reptile, big as he is?” and IMMEDIATELY (because everyone knows this off the top of their head), Miss Miller replies, “Yes there is and you will need 1 gallon of it.” WOW, THAT'S WHEN JEOPARDY KNOWLEDGE COMES IN HANDY!

Then Brig asks, “If we drug him, can Otto destroy him?” and again little miss know-it-all answers “Yes!” Shouldn't someone at least ASK Otto? IS OTTO’S HEART EVEN BEATING RIGHT NOW?!

Sven asks how they will get the drug into its bloodstream given that its covered with indestructible scales. Brig answers, “I'll tell you on the way,” then they hop into a jeep. I can imagine after a long drive, Sven says, “Shoot it into his mouth?" THAT'S the big secret? You couldn't have told me that half an hour ago when I asked??

After quickly creating a dino tranq at the University, they pour it into a bazooka shell and head off Reptilicus in the town square. Suddenly, the monster gets distracted and turns away! This could be their last chance at tranqing him! Suddenly, Captain Brandt of the Royal Danish Guard jumps into a jeep and drives kamikaze, ramming Reptilicus and holding his attention! Talk about a Great Dane!

Well, he doesn’t so much ram Reptilicus as he gets stepped on. But we’re splitting hairs. The important thing is Reptilicus remains rooted long enough for Brig to fire his bazooka shell into its gaping maw! A direct hit! Reptilicus is quickly rendered unconscious. Among those congratulating Brig is Otto, who apparently has recovered nicely from a myocardial infarction.

And then the movie just ends! With a few loose ends to tie up like the monster is merely sedated and the only man who knows how to dismantle him suffered a serious heart attack moments ago. Oh, and there's still no way to cage Reptilicus. Oh, and there's a severed claw at the bottom of the sea ready to grow into a new giant lizard. Other than that ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS...it's just good that it ended, I guess.

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