The Phantom Planet (1961)

If you said to a teenager, “You have to check out this band I just heard. You’ll love them ... they’re really old!” They’d look at you like you had tree branches growing from your head. And if you were to add, “After that, we’ll look for some books about the navy!” Again, they would think look at you with disdain (OK, they’d beat you up gang-style). Yet it’s Timberlakian cool to wear t-shirts with the words “Old” and “Navy.” Why? Marketing. Marketing compells us to buy clothing with names like "Abercrombe" and "Hilfigger." Marketing makes us need things we never even knew we wanted.

And it was marketing that lured teenagers to drive-ins in the 50s and 60s to see b-movies like The Phantom Planet with these taglines: “See!! A 6 ft. astronaut shrink to 6 inches before your very eyes! See!! The Moon Maidens! See!! The attack of the Fire People! Who could resist? I mean, when you have the option of either staying home with your parents to watch Ozzy and Harriet or going on a date to see Moon Maidens ... hey, no contest!

Which brings us to the first location in our movie -- the moon. Ah, the moon! Its celestial power commands mighty oceans to form tides, bovines try to jump over it and a classic rock band once invited you over to its dark side. Our story begins here, in a distant future where the United States has finally colonized its majestic lunar landscapes ... and dumped a military base on it.

As our movie begins, The United States Lunar Airbase sends a rocket ship to conduct “space recognizance research.” The rocket is futuristic indeed! Its cockpit filled with all sorts of complicated switches, dials, Westinghouse clocks and stick-on letters that spell out scientific words like, “RECORDER #2”, “ON” and, of course, “OFF”. This, indeed, is the future. For this is ... 1980!

The Pegasus 3 is on a routine space mission when it’s suddenly pulled off course by fishing line! Strange. But not as strange as the ship being trapped by the gravitational pull of a planet that looks like a KFC chicken thigh. The ship crashes, apparently killing its crew. It’s a little unclear because we’re suddenly thrown into the movie credits, thanking folks like Hayes Pagel and Walter Dick who supplied the “Interplanetary Sound” and a company called Space Age Rentals (Who knew you could rent a space age?) who contributed the “Electronic Space Equipment.” I wonder if that includes the adhesive lettering?

On the lunar base, Col. Landsfield is furious over losing 2 rocket ships in under a month. So after careful thought, he makes the only sensible decision: Send a third rocket to investigate! The colonel tells his secretary, “Send for Captain Frank Chapman!” Frank is their most dependable astronaut. He illustrates this by walking into the room 10 seconds after he's summoned, already wearing his space suit! Now that’s what I call dependable! And a more ridiculous spacesuit you’d be hardpressed to find. While wearing this outfit he utters fitting phrases like, “I don’t know whether to be flattered or not.” and “I’ll take a crack at anything once!” Obviously, Frank.

Moments later, the 4th rocket blasts off! These manned rocket ships must be lined up like dominoes! The rocket is soon bombarded by small meteors that look like Popcorn Chicken. The ship survives, but Frank and his buddy McConan discover the main propulsion unit is damaged. In order to repair it, they have to go outside and take a space walk. This was music to my ears because it means more cheesy effects and men walking in slow motion to simulate weightlessness! Yeah!

So they walk onto the wing of the ship, leather work boots clunking in the soundless vacuum of space. They discover steam escaping from behind a metal plate on the ship’s hull. As luck would have it, the plate is easily removed with a common screwdriver. Frank removes the plate and McConan is nearly blasted into space by released steam. Apparently astronauts know all about repairing the main propulsion unit of a rocket ship but don’t know to get out of the way when trapped steam is released. They must get burned a lot when draining pasta!

The unit is unable to be repaired, even with the aid of a certified, NASA-issued crescent wrench! Suddenly, Frank feints due to his air hose being damaged. McConan bravely gets Frank safely back in the ship, but he’s struck by a tiny meteor (It makes the sound of a bullet ricocheting off a rock in a cowboy movie). It knocks him off the ship and McConan helplessly drifts into the eternally vastness of space. We hear him pray the Our Father, but I bet he’s thinking, “I really wish I had fastened myself to the ship.” Something they probably should have covered in Spacewalk 101.

Frank lands his ship safely on Rheton (a.k.a. the Phantom Planet). Exhausted and air-deprived, he steps onto the planet’s surface before collapsing. When he regains consciousness, 6-inch-tall men greet him. One of them, apparently unimpressed by a 400-foot spaceman, calmly walks up and knocks on the giant helmet. Dazed, Frank tries to stand, causing the tiny people to flee. But soon, he’s back on his gigantic butt again. And this time he shrinks, INSIDE his spacesuit, to the same size as the little people. The little people chase him around in his spacesuit like it’s a circus tent. They capture him and bring him to their leader, a nice elderly gentleman named Sesam.

Frank is brought to a court room complete with a jury of Mary Tyler Moore look-alikes in short skirts. The courtroom is little more than a cave with a sandy floor and the judge sits on a chair carved out of rock. Frank stands accused of attacking the guys who earlier came-a-knockin' on his giant space helmet. Frank claims self-defense. The court finds him guilty, yet for some reason, pronounces him a free subject of Rehton. He even gets a change of Rehton clothing, but he must have some type of skin allergy to them because he spends most of the movie with his shirt either open or completely off.

Back at the U.S. lunar base, the Col. has decided to send a fourth rocket ship to investigate the disappearance of the previous three! Wouldn’t you love to be an astronaut for this guy?

While having a chat with Sesam, Frank learns that despite their advanced technology, Rehton desires to live as a primitive people. Long ago, machines did all the work and the people became soft and lazy (Can you imagine?). Their forefathers decided to return to a primitive way of life to become strong again, keeping only the technology to defend their planet and grow food. This is all very noble except they sit on stone furniture! Can’t they at least make some comfy chairs and sofas?

Frank is prohibited from leaving Rehton but Sesam thoughtfully offers him the choice of marrying one of two lovely maidens: His daughter Liara, a snotty little beauty who wants Frank for her own, or Zeta, a beautiful, dark haired mute girl. Liara informs Frank that his ship has been set adrift. The news angers Frank to the point where his acting almost portrays emotion! Eventually, Frank’s empty vessel is found by lunar base’s 4th (and luckiest) ship. This scene is awesome: The rocket just pulls up beside Frank’s ship and skids 180 degrees to a stop. The astronaut calmly steps out onto the wing of his rocket and then propels himself onto Frank’s rocket! Again, no safety line. If he misses, he drifts off into space forever. Fortunately, he reaches Frank's ship and pilots it back to Earth while his astronaut buddy brings back his. Sort of like a AAA space service.

Back on Rehton, a stud/jealous guy named Heron is convinced that Frank is a spy working for their hated enemies the Solarites, also known as the Fire People. He’s jealous of Frank because he wants Liara for his own. Heron is so perturbed by Frank that he demands “the duel”! Wow, what kind of duel could it be? Guns? Knives? No, that might be too exciting. It turns out, the duel means shoving each other with a long bar called the combat rod. The loser is pushed backward onto gravity plates that can disintegrate a person. I don’t understand how gravity can disintegrate anything but since I don’t live on a popcorn chicken planet I guess I can’t argue the concept.

It doesn’t take long for Frank to win, dangling his opponent over the gravity plate and then finally allowing him to live, to the dismay of the bloodthirsty Mary Tyler Moore mob. Afterwards, the jealous Heron is so sick of Frank, he decides to help him get back to Earth. Frank, meanwhile, seems to be falling for the mute girl, Zeta (My wife reads these reviews so if you think I’m going to make a joke about Frank choosing the woman who can’t talk, forget it!).

Rehton is suddenly attacked by Solarites spaceships. An impressive aerial battle takes place as Solarite ships fire their weapons upon Rheton (probably breaking off pieces of its crispy coating). Sesam has the ability to move Rheton around like a race car simply by waving his hands over the gravity control device. Little does anyone realize that the battle is causing a power drain on the cell holding an imprisoned Solarite (played by the towering Richard Kiel) down below in Rehton’s gulag. This is the first look we get at a Solarite. Oh, man! And I thought the Giant Claw looked ridiculous! They’re humanoid, stand about 7 feet tall and look to be a cross between a duck and a basset hound.

When the battle ends and the Solarites are driven away, Sesam goes to bed claiming the battle was too much for him (All he did was wave his hands in the air for 5 minutes!). Meanwhile the escaped Richard Kiel Solarite sneaks into Zeta’s room. She can’t scream due to her…y’know…muteness… and the creature renders her unconscious. Then it breaks into the control room and battles (If you can call it that) Frank and Heron. It looks like Richard Kiel has a real problem seeing through the eyeholes of his mask. Frank and Heron, not so much scared of the alien as angering Richard Kiel, gingerly shove him around until they maneuver him onto a gravity plate which makes him disappear faster than lunar-based rocket ships!

Due to Sesam driving the Phantom Planet around the universe like a go cart, Rehton is now closer to Earth’s moon than ever before and returning the oily-chested Frank to Earth will now be easy. (Do we really want him back?) Sesam will use his gravity controls to pull Earth’s rocket ship in for a gentle landing so they can rescue Frank, then settle down for another nap. Once Frank’s spacesuit is back on, the oxygen in his helmet will return him to normal size. Before he leaves, he is visited by now-yammering Zeta (She claims the shock of watching Frank almost die made her scream, which in turn, revived her vocal cords). She gives him a small rock as a good luck charm (?) and Frank replies, “I’ll keep it forever.” (Are we sure we want him back???)

Frank is soon rescued. Just when he thinks he may have been imagining his whole adventure, he discovers the rock in his pocket is now the size of a tiny pebble (Because he's bigger now, get it?) As the movie ends, he says, “They’ll never believe me.” Then he holds out his little pebble and says, “Even with THIS, they’ll never believe me.”

All in all, The Phantom Planet is a fun movie loaded with special effects and alien costumes. Unfortunately, a lug nut has more charisma than the oft-shirtless Capt. Frank, but other than that, no complaints.

So I guess, marketing paid off! I witnessed an astronaut shrink from 6 feet to 6 inches, I saw Fire People attack and I watched as the Moon Maidens (although technically not from the moon) tried their darndest to ensnare the heart of an astronaut. Maybe marketing isn’t so bad after all. With this review behind me, I can finally relax with a bag of Mini Oreo Cookies! Sure they’re small and they cost almost twice as much per pound but hey…they’re mini! How cool is that?!

Comment on this movie

Monsters, rocket ships, aliens, space battles and beautiful maidens. It's a b-movie cornucopia!

McConan: Y’know, captain...every year of my life I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and the best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful ... if we just take the time to look at it.”
Chapman: “You’re some guy, McConan.”

Heron: “I’ve found a way to get you back to your world!”
Chapman: “But what about...”
Heron: “Never mind that now! It’s not important!”