Price: Gimme the damn ball!

Atomic Monsters wide receiver Vincent Price touts his two touchdown performance at a recent press conference as Monsters' public relations director, left, stops to collect himself.

Atomic Monsters wide receiver and classically-trained actor Vincent Price held a press conference recently demanding the ball be thrown to him more often. “I’m always open! I’m always open! Nobody can cover me! Nobody!” yelled Price.

Not only can nobody cover him, but it would seem nobody, including his teammates can explain the sudden turnaround in Price’s normally mild demeanor. “I don’t get it,” said quarterback Peter Graves, “Last week, Vincent enthralled us with the story of how he won the role of Prince Albert in Laurence Houseman's "Victoria Regina.” This week he scores two touchdowns against the 49ers and he thinks he’s the cat’s pajamas!”

Many of his African-American teammates have complained that he’s beginning to talk like an old-time Mississippi blues man. When asked if there was any truth to the rumor, the 1933 Yale graduate replied, “Let me explain it to y'all...It’s like a chicken. You take a chicken couped up in a pen. Now, this chicken has got to run. GOT to run! If he don’t, then he’s flappin’ his wings and flappin’ and flappin’! I’M LIKE THAT CHICKEN! I got to stretch my legs, son! I am ready, willin’ and able to score for this football team but you gots to gimme the damn ball!”

When reporters finally asked why he called for the press conference, Price replied, “Ain’t you been listening?! I am always open! I am the best!”

As exasperated reporters left the conference room, Price continued to ask if they were, in fact, feeling him.