“I'd like to thank the media for attending the first official press conference of the NFL's newest franchise – The Yucca Flats Atomic Monsters. I am The Amazing Brain-o. Are there any questions?
Roth:
“Sally Roth, Time magazine. Are you the owner of this franchise, Mr. Brain?"
Brain-o:
“That's AmazingBrain-o. And no, I'm the head coach."
Roth:
“Coach Brain, you appear to have a giant brain protruding from the top of your head. Are you human?"
Brain-o:
“That's an interesting story! Many of your Earth years ago... "
Lauer:
“Do you have any coaching experience?"
Brain-o:
“And YOU are? "
Lauer:
“Rex Lauer, USAToday. Do you have any former NFL coaching experience?"
Brain-o:
“Well...no..."
Lauer:
“Then what makes you think you can coach?"
Brain-o:
“Well, as Sally so tactfully pointed out, I've got a giant brain! Hello! -- it shouldn't be too difficult! "
Crockett:
“Mitch Crockett, Newsweek. Who's paying for all this?"
Brain-o:
“American-International Pictures are the owners."
Crockett:
“You mean the movie studio that produced shlock monster movies back in the 1950s? But they went out of business years ago. "
Brain-o:
“Ah, you simple human. I've plucked the A.I. studio from the past when they were making money hand over fist. "
Crockett:
“You plucked them from the past. How?"
Brain-o:
“Through the power of science fiction! "
Crockett:
“That doesn't make any sense. B-movie producers didn't make the hundreds of millions of dollars it would take to start an NFL franchise. "
Brain-o:
“Next question!"
Lauer:
“Who's on your roster? "
Brain-o:
“Who ARE you?!! "
Lauer:
“I just told you. I'm Rex Lauer?"
Brain-o:
“Oh, right. Sorry. I have a giant brain and advanced mental powers but sometimes I get these...headaches...makes it hard to...concentrate...OK! All better! The roster! Yes, of course. Well, at quarterback we have Edward D. Wood, Jr. Great arm, that kid! At wide receiver we have Vincent Price...
Lauer:
“Those people are deceased! Do you have the power to raise the dead? "
Brain-o:
“No! Aren't you listening? It's all done through the, uh...power of...basic science fiction! Y'know...oooeeeooo!!! (longer pause) You see, I've plucked the greatest b-movie actors in their prime from time itself. So Vincent Price isn't dead or even old, he's playing in the prime of his life!
Lauer:
“But even if that were possible, do you think these actors can compete against today's professional athletes? "
Brain-o:
“He's wirey! That Vincent's wirey! I'm tellin' ya!"
Crockett:
“Why build the stadium here in the middle of a desert?"
Brain-o:
“Yucca Flats is where a lot of atomic testing was done and gave birth to many giant monsters."
Crockett:
“Is that safe? Aren't you concerned about exposing the fans to radiation sickness? "
Brain-o:
“OK, look...the power of science fiction will keep them safe. Get it? Try and stay with me here, people!"
Crockett:
“What do the uniforms look like? "
Brain-o:
“The helmets are plain black and the jerseys are white just like a black and white b-movie. Cool, huh? "
Crockett:
“Historically, it's difficult for a new NFL franchise to find a fan base. Do you really expect people to drive out to the middle of a desert to watch a football game? "
Brain-o:
“You're really getting on my last cortex, Sally!"
Crockett:
“Mitch."
Brain-o:
(holds head in pain) “Y'know what? I don't need this horsesh*t! " (Overturns microphones and storms out.)
Lauer:
“This is never going to work. "
Brain-o:
(Runs back to the microphones) “Oh, I forgot to tell you: Fans who can't afford to come out here for a live game can read all about it every Monday at atomicmonsters.com. Just click on the button titled "SCORES."
Crockett:
“Coach Brain-o, do you have time for a few more questions? "
Brain-o:
“I'd love to, but I have to come up with something called a "playbook."
