My Son the Vampire (1951)

Before RuPaul, before Monty Python, even before Benny Hill made it zany for men to wear women's clothing, there was Old Mother Riley. The 1951 comedy, My Son the Vampire, originally titled Mother Riley Meets the Vampire, starred Arthur Lucan, a female impersonator who was famous in Britain for his Mother Riley character. Lucan performed in London's music halls and was especially popular with children. Mother Riley usually performed in the role of a cleaning woman, but some films found her running a store with the aid of her daughter, Kitty. After 15 films, interest in the series began to ebb and Mother Riley Meets the Vampire would be Lucan's last film.

Meanwhile, another actor, Bela Lugosi, was also feeling his box office appeal decline. Hopelessly typecast as the Hungarian-accented vampire Dracula, Lugosi made ends meet by making personal appearances in horror and magic shows. In 1951, while starring in a British stage production of Dracula, he was given the role of wanna-be vampire Van Housen in the film My Son the Vampire. Experiencing frequent sciatic attacks, Lugosi became addicted to morphine and other pain killers which ultimatedly left him bankrupt. It was rumored that Lugosi was so poor after the Dracula tour ended that he acted in the Mother Riley film just so he could afford a boat ticket back to America.

But Lugosi's last hurrah as a vampire in this movie was quickly forgotten. The film was harshly received on both sides of the Atlantic. In England, Mother Riley had long been considered family entertainment and British theatre owners were concerned that Dracula would be too scary for younger viewers. The film's opening was delayed 12 years in the U.S. because American theatre owners didn't think audiences were ready to see a man appear in drag. But inn actuality, America just wasn't ready for a movie this bad.

Bela Lugosi stars as mad scientist Von Housen, a direct descendant of a man fabled to have been a vampire. But Von Housen enjoys calling himself a vampire so much that he even sleeps in a coffin. Scotland Yard notices that women have been disappearing the moment Van Housen stepped into town.

Van Housen has a plan to build 50,000 robots to take over the world (If you call that a plan). He's off to a great start, having built only one so far. The clumsy, tin covered robot has no weapons but does pick up radio stations, so it sounds like Van Housen is clearly prepared to enslave mankind. While he never elaborates on exactly how he would manufacture such a quantity without the resources of, say, General Motors, he does complain about not having enough uranium to power them. So it's no surprise that Julia Loretta, daughter of a famous Italian scientist, is kidnapped while carrying a map to a uranium mine in South America.

Then we are introduced to Old Mother Riley, working hard in her grocery store while being badgered by her landlord for the rent. It's then that she/he breaks into a song that includes the lyrics, "I lift up my finger and I say "Tweet tweet, shush shush, now now, come come." It's also then that I realize this is going to be a painfully long movie. Riley gets a telegram stating that she has inherited some household items which will arrive by crate, while Van Housen is expecting his first robot to also be delivered to him in a crate. I bet you can't guess what happens! The crates DON'T get switched! O.K. you're right, they DO get switched. And hilarity ensues!

Van Housen orders his robot to kidnap Mrs. Riley in a big burlap sack. Upon meeting Van Housen, she/he is instantly enchanted by him and she agrees to stay on as a cleaning woman! OK. To save us all some time, I'll just fast forward a bit: Mrs. Riley escapes Van Housen's clutches, makes her way to the police who don't believe her story, she escapes the police (who are apparently bumbling in every country), rescues the kidnapped girl and has a final battle with the robot where she tears its arms and legs apart! Note to self: Don't power my robot with uranium. Van Housen is caught by the police aaaaand...The End! Nothing is really explained and I don't care because it's The End and it feels really, really good!

The only parts of the movie I haven't mentioned are about 6,000 comedy scenes involving people breaking dozens of vases over each other's heads, sliding down banisters and riding revolving bookcases. Now I'll be the first to admit, I've never been a fan of slapstick comedy. Call me humorless, but people sliding down a staircase on their butt to the sound of a slide whistle does not make milk come out of my nose, but if it works for you, have fun and God bless. I felt I had to check this movie out because the back of the DVD box promised robots powered by uranium. That, and the fact that my buddy bought the movie for me for $5.

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