Public Restrooms – I've Known a Few Missile to the Moon is about a small colony of lunar ladies who live on the moon in their own sanctuary. I’m someone who appreciates a little sanctuary once in awhile. I work in a large building and I recently discovered an isolated, forgotten restroom located off the beaten path, far away from my fellow employees. And it's all mine. There's no sign on the door, so even if someone wanders by, it blends in with the surrounding maintenance doors. To me, it’s a beautiful gray, metal door on which nobody ever knocks, so there's no need for a “courtesy flush” or spraying pine-scented tear gas? Only two human beings on Earth know of this restroom’s existence – me and whoever re-stocks the toilet paper. Built in the 1950s, it features wall-to-wall pink tile and an enormously heavy, steel wastebasket which, if lifted, would give you both muscle definition and probably tetanus. But my favorite feature of this restroom is an “old school” toilet that can, quite frankly, take anything you can dish out. It's flush is so mighty I believe the toilet tank is connected to a shopping mall water tower. This commando commode has a massive bowl so large it could double as a kiddie pool (Kids, don't try this at home. But if you do, double the chlorine tablets.) I remember one morning after an especially hot-winged Super Bowl party, I writhed on the seat in such excruciating agony that I briefly considered performing a self-cesarean with my car keys. But in the end, the cesarean was unnecessary and my delivery was a success: 2 lbs., 9 inches. Now, I know you must be wondering, “Why is he so fixated on restrooms?” I can answer that by saying I wasn’t always this way. Back in my single days, I rarely used a public restroom except when stuck in a mall or recuperating from a buffet restaurant binge-fest. But when I became a proud parent, I found myself driving my happy toddler around when suddenly I would hear from the back seat, “Daddy, I have to go potty!” But you just went. “I have to go potty NOW!” But you JUST WENT before we left the house, like, 10 minutes ago. “I'M GONNA HAVE AN ACCIDENT!” and you find yourself side-swiping police cruisers to pull into the closest, and always filthiest, fast food restroom. In fact, I’m positive the theory that humans descended from apes was born the day Darwin pulled over to use the men's room at a gas station. I’ve seen things I can’t even type about. Now, as I sit on my throne-away-from-home, I enjoy the natural light from a large, frosted window that thwarts peeping toms yet allows just enough solar warmth to provide (hold onto your hat) a heated toilet seat! Aaahhh.
However, the other day I was a little miffed because someone had decided to provide Dixie cups! First of all, I didn't authorize Dixie cups. Second, I've got this place all to myself. I can't have little niceties drawing people in! And who in their right mind would drink from that faucet? The plumbing under the sink is so old it's actually made of metal! Out of curiosity, I poured myself a cup and it looked like a snow globe (On the plus side, each serving provides 100% of your daily allowance of lead.) But I’m concerned I may be getting overly excited about this whole situation. So I decided that if I ever start greeting this latrine as I would a horse such as, “Hi, old girl...miss me?” Then it's time for some serious psychological evaluation. Which I will administer to myself here on the crapper. (I think it could work because I'm a good listener.) But there’s an even bigger issue at hand. This pink restroom (oh, let's just call it what it is -- MY restroom) is very different than the one my co-workers inhabit because that's where...The Jackal awaits! The Jackal is a term I've given to a portion of that door’s wood grain that resembles a creature that’s half-human, half-jackal and is positioned at seat-level where it can stare at you the entire time! To prove I wasn’t crazy, I dragged a co-worker into the restroom with me. I needed to know if everyone could see the Jackal, or if it was just me. Then my suspicions were confirmed. It was just me. However, after a few minutes of pointing it out and defining the creature, at last my co-worker was as genuinely shocked and disturbed as I was. At first I thought maybe they were just saying that so that I would release them. But they surmised it may be less of a jackal and more like bunny roadkill. Either way, you don't want it staring at you when you're conducting business. Days went by and my co-worker, now aware of the Jackal's presence, became upset with me for bringing it to their attention in the first place and making their life a living hell. They were even more upset when I told them that, by that time, I had forgotten all about it. Missile to the Moon (1958)
We find ourselves in the home of scientist Steve Dayton where he and colleague, Dirk Green, argue with Col. Wicker of the (get this) Government Space Experimentation Program (the program where they experiment on space.) Together, Steve and Dirk have built a full-scale rocket ship in Steve's backyard! (I wonder how they hoisted that nose cone way up there?) Dirk, a foreign inventor, read about Steve's theories in rocket design and thought Steve's house would be the perfect location to build and launch a manned space flight! This is our first clue that Steve may be a little gullible. Dirk probably didn't want to build it at his OWN house because if something went wrong, he wanted to have a house left to go home to. The colonel says that Dirk must turn all his plans over to the U.S. government, saying rockets are government business. Steve replies, “But I don't see why?!” (I think it's because we can't have 100-ton homemade rocket ships crashing into schools! Or worse - Tim Hortons.) Then there's a knock at the door. The sheriff drops by saying there's a couple of escaped prisoners on the loose and asks if they'll let him inside the electric fence surrounding the rocket to have a look around. “Sure,” Steve says. (Note to self: Buy a police officer costume and take Space Shuttle for joyride.) You might be asking, "How much scientific equipment does it require to launch a manned space flight?" Turns out, a single control panel in Steve's living room. Steve opens the drapes revealing a rocket ship that appears to be just 50 yards away! I'm afraid his house is a little too close to the launch pad. I hope he doesn't have vinyl siding. In one of my favorite scenes, Steve and the guys chat away, chit-chatting, chit-chatting and then Steve's fiancé, June, comes in from outside. Introductions are made, they exchange a few pleasantries and then it's up to June to ask, “By the way, I saw a sheriff's car outside.” Steve, very matter-of-factly replies, “Oh, yeah...there's a couple of ESCAPED PRISONERS ON THE LOOSE.” June's a lucky woman to have someone care that much about her safety.
Outside at the electric fence, Dirk tells the sheriff, “Don't touch the fence until I turn off the current.” You might ask, “What's to prevent anyone from switching off the current?” (I'm glad you might have asked.) The switch is enclosed in a wooden box! But don't worry - the door is secured with a pad lock! So there's no way to reach the switch. Unless you cut the lock using a simple hack saw blade. Or remove the four screws holding on the hinge. But wait! Someone has already been there and picked the lock! (Even Steve didn't see THAT one coming!) As for the sheriff, even though he knows that escaped convicts could be hiding in the rocket ship, he doesn't even draw his weapon. He just casually saunters around with his flashlight. After all, there's no reason to be alarmed - maybe they're NOT in there. Inside the rocket, two handsome convicts named Lon and Gary (they could be contestants on American Idol) climb up a ladder to the ship’s bridge which features walls covered with peg board (easier to hang the rocket's wall clock.) The sheriff says, “I'd better look in the ship.” Concerned about the delicate equipment on board, Dirk convinces the sheriff that he (Dirk) should go in alone. The sheriff, not really earning his paycheck today, says, “OK,” letting the scientist confront escaped criminals by himself! (Y'know, you’re not looking for a stray dog, sherrif!) When Dirk climbs up and sees Lon and Gary, he realizes he’s just found two potential astronauts. Dirk shrewdly yells to the sheriff, “No one’s here!" Dirk locks the hatch behind him, trapping the boys inside (even though there's no way to lock it from the outside – the mechanism is on the inside but Lon and Gary pull on it anyway like monkeys.) But with the sheriff hanging around, they have no choice but to lay low.
At this point, I’d like to paint you a mental picture of Steve’s living room/Cape Canaveral: Besides a beautiful view of a rocket ship, his living room contains an odd mixture of furniture pieces such as a couch, control panel, desk, drafting table with rocket designs on it and a fully-stocked bar! After all, what’s wrong with this combination: Getting hammered / working with rocket fuel. I see no red flags. Steve and June are drinking at the bar when Dirk walks in, livid that the government won’t let him launch his Martha Stewart rocket ship. He walks over to the desk and pulls a gun from the drawer saying, “I'll teach you all something you'll never forget!” and then storms out. Steve, who has no intuition whatsoever tells June, “Don't worry. Dirk will feel better about it in the morning.” STEVE, HE JUST STORMED OUT OF YOUR HOUSE WITH A LOADED GUN! Dirk offers a proposition to Lon and Gary at gunpoint: Either help him pilot the rocket to the moon with the possibility of returning to Earth as history-making heroes or be turned over to the authorities. Left with no choice, they decide to peacefully join Dirk on his quest. Back at the house, the control panel begins to light up. Someone is activating the ship! Steve, realizing there's something wrong, goes to the drawer to get the gun even though he just watched Dirk remove it. Steve even looks confused when it's not there! (Steve, you just watched him take it!) Luckily, the drawer next to that one ALSO has a gun in it! Does Steve keep a gun in every drawer in the house!? Steve tells June, “I'm going to have a look around outside.” June replies, “Take me with you – you're not leaving me here alone with those two convicts running around.” (Why not?! He didn't tell you about the criminals when he found out about them!) But June may as well go along on the rocket ride – that house isn't going to survive the fiery liftoff anyway. Steve and June climb the ladder into the first level of the rocket, when suddenly the engines come to life. But before they can get out, the door closes and locks, trapping them inside. Steve says, “There's no oxygen in this part of the ship,” but amazingly there are exactly two oxygen masks right next to them! Upstairs in the bridge of the ship, Dirk, Gary and Lon are strapped in and begin their countdown. Dirk gives them specific, scientific instructions such as, “Flip those 3 switches.” The rocket successfully blasts off and they're soon in space! Suddenly, Dirk realizes the ship is off balance. There seems to be extra weight in the lower compartment. That's how they discover Steve and June are onboard and they find them passed out. Will this extra weight doom the launch? Nope, it's all good. By the time they revive Steve, the ship is thousands of miles from Earth. He says, “Where's June?!” June casually walks over smiling. (It's always embarrassing when your 1950s girlfriend regains consciousness before you do.) June, as chipper as ever, says, “I'm fine!” Yeah, no problem! She's found herself on an experimental rocket with two escaped criminals on her way to the moon! What could be wrong? Dirk warns everyone they may fly through a meteor swarm. When June seems alarmed by this news, Steve comforts her by asking, “Would you like to watch them on the monitor?” It instantly calms her down and she replies with an enthusiastic, “Yes! I'd like that!” Yes, it's so much more comforting to actually WATCH the deadly meteors hurtling right at you! Steve goes to another part of the ship and leaves his fiance alone with Gary (again, Steve – escaped criminal! Doesn't matter if it's on land or in outer space! Escaped criminal alone with your fiance!)
While Gary checks out June, she hilariously tries to look busy at the controls without actually touching anything lest she accidentally steer the ship into a black hole. Suddenly, Gary accosts June, kissing and pawing at her. Luckily for her, Dirk returns and decides to teach this punk some manners. Dirk does pretty well against the much younger, fitter Gary until suddenly...meteor swarm! The ship's alarm goes off! Gary has just learned an important lesson: Never distract the woman in charge of watching out for meteors! The turbulence knocks some equipment on top of Dirk's head. Bleeding badly, Dirk knows his life is fading fast and only has time for one more poorly-acted scene. He hands a strange medallion to Steve and then, with his dying breath, says, “The lido...my lido...forgive me!” The movie never explains what they did with Dirk's body, but it would have been nice if Steve at least checked for a pulse before pronouncing him dead. Later, Steve sits on a bunk bed and studies the mysterious medallion with his fiance's attacker, Gary, hanging out with him on the top bunk! These two just chat away trying to figure how Dirk knew so much about the dangers they'd run into and why he chose a particular spot on the moon to land. It would never occur to Steve to ask, “Oh, yeah...I hear you mauled my fiance. 'sup with that?” Another alarm goes off and Steve commands, “Turn on the forward scanner.” (It's been OFF all this time?) On the scanner the moon appears! June says, “I'm so happy I don't know what to say!” (How about, “We're headed for the freakin' moon and none of us have any training!”) Minutes later, all four are standing on the moon in their spacesuits in front of a cardboard cutout of the rocket that wiggles in the background. They are outfitted well for the rigors of space, wearing flight suits and crash helmets with their necks exposed. They're not bouncing around weightlessly because Steve explains they're wearing "gravitational boots."
As it turns out, they picked the perfect day to land. A beautiful, blue sky with just a few puffy, white clouds. As a gentle wind rustles through some nearby moon brush, the four pass by a rocky edifice and an alien creature of solid stone emerges from the cliffside! (My wife commented, "That's actually pretty cool!") Unfortunately, the “rock” creatures resemble gingerbread men and are obviously made of foam rubber prompting my 5-year-old daughter to ask, “Are those guys made of rock?” I said, “Yes, why do you ask?” and she replied, “They look squishy.” So there you go – A monster costume that can't even fool a 5-year-old. Because the rock creature's legs are wider at the bottom, they waddle inch by inch like a toddler wearing snow pants. Steve and Lon pull out their guns and fire but their bullets bounce off the bell-bottomed boulder bros. Then Steve comes to a reasonable solution yelling, “We're trapped! Let's head for that cave!” In the cave, Steve discovers an old, burned-out torch. A few minutes later, they find a torch burning in the cave and Steve exclaims, "This means there's air in this cave! What a fool I was not to have noticed!" He says surrounded by GIANT SPIDER WEBS! Moments later, a mysterious robed figure knocks them out with sleeping gas. The four wake up later in what appears to be a royal throne room. They are no longer dressed in their astronaut suits and gravitational boots. In fact, June is back in her high heels again! Where did those come from? Does one slip on gravitational boots over shoes like putting on galoshes? A blue-skinned woman wearing a tall, golden head piece like a Las Vegas showgirl enters the room. She is the leader, or “The lido” as she's called in this movie and welcomes them to Orlanda. The lido pulls on a velvet sash hanging from the ceiling which rings a bell summoning blue-skinned servant maidens carrying trays of delicious moon food BUT ... no cream-filled Moon Pies! (I know, right?! You travel all the way to the moon and no Moon Pies?! They should have the BEST Moon Pies! Plus, they're women in the 1950s – they should be baking all the time!) But the good times come to an end when one of the maidens notices Steve's medallion (Steve's been wearing Dirk's medallion around his neck as if they're going steady.)
When Steve hands it over to the lido, she studies it with her fingers and that's how we discover – the lido is blind! Recognizing the shape of the trinket, she suddenly becomes exuberant and exclaims, “Yes! It IS him! It's Dirk!” A brown-haired maiden named Alpha steps forward and gazes at Steve longingly saying, “Dirk! MY Dirk” The blind lido, believing that Steve is Dirk, requests a private chat in her chambers. We learn the scientist known as Dirk was actually a moon man who came to Earth years ago in an attempt to rescue his crater-dwelling cohorts from their dying atmosphere. Back then, Alpha was just a little girl chosen to be Dirk's bride when he would eventually return to the moon years later. So not only does Dirk have the job of evacuating everyone from the moon before he has to get married, but he doesn't even get to pick his bride! You can tell this plan was devised by women. Steve, hoping to gain information, pretends he's Dirk. The lido says, “You haven't commented on my blindness.” Steve replies, “I was very sorry to SEE it.” (You were sorry to SEE her BLINDNESS? Wow, Steve, I hope you're not speaking at any seminars!) The lido replies, “You needn't be. My other senses have been heightened!” (Her senses are heightened and she thinks Steve is Dirk! I wonder what she was like before her senses were heightened? Was she feeding the rock men thinking they were pigeons?) The lido asks to touch Steve's face. Surely, her heightened senses will tell her THIS time he's not Dirk. She studies his face and says, “You've changed MUCH, Dirk.” Meanwhile, Gary chats privately with a lunar chick in a private room where he can accost...I mean...woo her. He uses lines like, “How about you and me go outside for a little Earthlight?” and “What's the set-up?” and “What gives? What gives?” She responds, “I do not understand.” I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR 50's GIBBERISH, EITHER GARY – WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!? While Gary demonstrates he's not fluent in Moon OR english, he notices her diamond-studded jewelry. She takes him back to the cave and leads him to giant diamonds that are roughly the same size as really big pieces of quartz. When the moon girl says they have no value, Gary replies, “Don't think, baby – just be beautiful.”
Steve returns to the throne room where he's greeted by a moon maiden serving them a tray of donuts. Steve has learned that, because of Orlanda's oxygen depletion, the moon women are exterminating all non-essential personnel (Ooh - doesn't sound good for the girl who's only job is to carry the donut tray!) Steve is about to be married to Alpha. When Steve tells his fiance how they all think he's Dirk, June decides she’s had enough and tells Alpha the truth. June and Alpha have a hair-pulling, cat fight. This scene is funny because Steve just stands there and watches and then Lon enters the room and he stands there and watches too! I guess some things haven’t changed since the 50s including watching a good catfight. Furious, Alpha runs to the queen and tells her that Steve's an imposter. The queen replies, “Fool! Did you think I did not know this? (No, I don’t think you did.) That I could be so easily deceived? (Yes, you were incredibly easy to deceive.) I wished to keep it a secret until I learned more about the Earth men. (Suuuure.) Scorned, Alpha demands the humans be put to death. When the lido refuses, Alpha challenges her to some kind of telepathic battle which the lido ultimately wins. Afterward, Alpha stews with her beautiful cronies in the same room Lon and Gary were just in (I think Orlanda only has three rooms!) When Alpha learns the humans are trying to escape through the cave tunnels, she pulls on a cord from the ceiling which runs down into the caverns and raises a wobbly gate releasing the "dark creatures." At first, it didn't make sense that such a wobbly, cheaply-made gate could hold back monsters, but then I remembered that the laws of science are different on the moon. For example: who’s to say a gate made of thin balsa wood wouldn’t give dark creatures an attack of lactose intolerance?
Here comes the good part: The gate is being raised and we finally get to see what exactly the dark creatures look like! Could they be mystifying beings of light and shadow, cursed to roam ... ah nuts – another giant spider. Again we're shown another difference between life on Earth and life on the moon: Earth spiders attack very quickly whereas this moon spider is very, very slow. When running, its legs move up and down as if lifted by invisible wires. It’s speed is slower than a person walking so it’s trying it's darndest to follow them through the tunnels but it's only because they stop to chat that the spider can catch up at all. Gary and his lunar girlfriend, after a hard day of diamond collecting, cross paths with the three in the tunnels. Gary's mad because he thinks the three were planning to leave without him. But the moon girl, knowing the dark creatures are coming, says, “We must hurry!” (Have you seen these spiders run? You’ve got plenty of time. Pah-len-ty!) Eventually, the spider eats the moon girl but only because she stands and screams until it lumbers on top of her. I mean, if you’re going to stay still THAT long, technically you could be eaten by a patch of Venus Fly Traps. Alpha's henchwomen capture them and drag them back to Orlanda. Alpha tells Steve, “You were FORTUNATE to have eluded the dark creatures.” This is true. A worse fate down in those caves would be dying of thirst. Which would happen before the spider catches them. Alpha stares into Steve's eyes and hypnotizes him. She says they will fly his rocket to a new planet where she will be the lido and Steve will wear a pink apron and be her house-lido. The lido reprimands Alpha for playing mind games. But while the lido lays down the law, Alpha pulls out a long dagger from her cleavage! (It's possible - Have you ever seen a 1950s Wonderbra? It's got more compartments than the Titanic!) Alpha stabs the lido in the back! (I guess your “heightened senses” didn't see THAT one coming, lido!) Alpha announces that the wedding will begin. As Lon, Gary and June are brought before the new lido, they find Steve dressed in a green kimono (Hmm…I guess he's going to be the “bride” in this moon marriage.) When Alpha asks the hypnotized Steve who he gives his heart to, he replies, “You, my lido.” Funny thing is, since Steve always sounds stiff and boring, the only way he can play “hypnotized” is by making his eyes look big and staring straight ahead.
Lon and Gary, in true prison yard-fashion, try to rush her, but the lido immobilizes them with her mind. Steve commands that June be taken to the extermination room (Maybe he’s just faking the hypnosis to get out of his engagement to June!) Alpha announces, “Let the ceremony begin!” One of the moon ladies starts dancing to bongo music! Where did they get bongos? I mean, you’d need some kind of skin to stretch across the top of…Oh, THAT’S what happened to Dirk’s body! Ew, gross!!! But I have to say, those bongos sound pretty good - Dirk must have used moisturizer. The only thing worse than Lon and Gary having to watch this awful dancing is poor June who's been chained up in the cave as spider bait. A couple of moon madams raise the spider gate (conveniently, there's also a pull chain located down in the cave) and the world's slowest spider glacially makes its way towards June. I can't help but notice that even though Alpha said they were “fortunate” to elude the spider last time, it’s still necessary to chain June to a post. During the dance, Lon's lunar sweetheart helps them sneak out of the room. She also gives them a key to unlock doors and two grenades to get past the rock creatures (Geez is there anything ELSE you need, Lon?) She says that down the hall they will find a room with their spacesuits inside. The room is actually a broom closet complete with wire coat hangers! (Coat hangers on the moon! Dirk must have been sending rockets carrying dollar store care packages.) As Lon and Gary drag their astronaut gear through the caverns, they hear June scream. The giant moon spider dangles on fishing line, inching its way…strike that – milimetering its way toward June. They only have hundreds of hours left to save her! They draw their guns and, even though June is positioned right in front of the spider, they open fire! Normally, I would agree they have to shoot right away but for this spider, I think they have time to form a spider sub-committee. Like the moon itself, they turn the spider into Swiss cheese. Lon and Gary unchain June who has either passed out from fright or has fallen asleep waiting for the spider to attack. Suddenly, Gary realizes he needs to collect his secret diamonds, saying he'll meet them later at the cave entrance. Back in the throne room, Alpha barks out her first truly humane order of the day: “Stop the dancing!” (Oh, THANK YOU, my lido!) Alpha FINALLY notices the humans are missing. (Alpha, that was your ONLY job! This is probably why she wasn’t “lido” material to begin with.) Suspiciously, all the moon girls offer to look for them except for Lon’s squeeze. Alpha says to the traitor, “You dare defy me?!” Lon’s girl, perhaps because of her love for him, becomes stronger than Alpha and defeats her in mental combat. In this scene, the screenwriter shows a slight Attention Deficit Disorder when the girl commands, "You can't move! You cannot speak!" and Alpha replies, "Curse You!" (You can't SPEAK, Alpha, remember?)
The girl releases Steve from Alpha’s spell and tells him to run. However, Alpha gets her second wind and defeats her. Alpha says, “I command you to release the gas into the caves! It will be your hand that kills them!” But she threatens to blow themselves up with a grenade in her hand (where did THAT come from?! That wasn't in her hand in the previous scene!) The girl throws the grenade, blowing a hole in the wall and the chamber is torn apart (a decompression scene on a 1950's budget!) Oxygen escapes not only from the throne room but the caves as well. With her dying breath Lon’s girl gasps, “Lon, now I can join you forever.” (Yes, when Lon returns to Earth, enjoy federal prison!) As air escapes from the cavern, the four quickly put on their oxygen masks and exit the cave. Steve, June and Lon lead the way while Gary lumbers behind carrying two bags filled with giant diamonds (the moon ladies must have been nice enough to throw in some shopping bags.) Steve says they have to walk in the shadows of the lunar mountains or the sun will roast them alive. (Why was it OK to walk around in sunlight at the beginning of the movie?) Suddenly, a rock man attacks but thanks to the grenades given to Lon by the moon woman, the monster is quickly turned to rubble. Back in the throne room, with air escaping quickly, Alpha is still trying to control Steve with her mind. Ultimately, she hasn't got the strength and falls on her own dagger, stabbing herself in the chest. With Alpha meeting her omega, Steve snaps out of his hypnosis. But they’re still in danger as the rock men continue to advance upon them with the speed of a moon spider (with eight twisted ankles.) Concerned for Gary’s well-being, Steve begs him to drop the heavy bags of diamonds and run, but Diamonds are a Gary’s Best Friend!
He stumbles backwards into the sunlight and explodes into flames! What a tragic shame. (His flesh would’ve made some great bongo skins.) I looked it up and the actual temperature of the moon's surface in sunlight is 260 degrees Fahrenheit. But even so, I don't recall pre-heating an oven to 260, then screaming as my hand was incinerated (it will also singe your Butterballs!) So I'd say when your moon is roasting astronauts at 3000 degrees Fahrenheit, it's time to get that sucker re-calibrated. As the aroma of delicious, grilled Gary wafts across the lunar landscape, Steve, Lon and especially June, take nearly three seconds to reminisce about all the good times they had with him. When the remaining three are safely on board, June says she has something to ask Steve. Hmm, what could be on her mind? After all, they've been through a lot. She probably wants to tell Steve how much she loves him. Or maybe she's naturally worried about their dangerous return trip to Earth. OK, let's listen in: “Steve,” says June, “Do you think I'm prettier than Alpha?” Sigh. |
