The Last Days of Planet Earth (1974)

I wish every kid could experience what it was like in my day to be terrified of a movie theatre usher. I don't mean the ushers of today (teenage theatre attendants wearing Gigli T-shirts). I'm talking about the white-gloved, movie Nazis that once prowled the aisles of my hometown movie theatre. Before Bart Simpson taught kids not to be afraid of adults, these towering, cinematic totalitarians stalked theater aisles cloaked in long, red coats and the darkness itself. Wielding terrifying red flashlights, they commanded us to “Get your feet out of the aisle!” And the last thing on our young, grade-school minds was to respond, “Don't have a cow, man!” But as long as we followed their rules, my friends and I saw all the Godzilla movies we could stand! And we saw them all -- Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla, Mothra, Rodan ... the B-movies of the 1970s. And, as God as our witness, we never guessed those monsters, in reality, guys wearing rubber costumes!

Nearly 30 years later, I learned the Godzilla movies were produced by a man named Tomoyuki Tanaka who headed Toho Studios. While searching for used VHS movies the other day, I found The Last Days of Planet Earth, a movie that I enjoyed almost as much as A*P*E. And to my surprise … it's a Toho movie!

You know you're watching a great “bad” movie when there's a typo in the opening scene! The scrolling text informs us that “All the events depicted in the movie are “ficitious.” I said to myself, “Yes! Now THIS is a movie!” The movie opens by telling us how Nostradamus predicted many events in human history including the rise of Hitler, the power of Red China and … the last days of planet Earth!

Japanese scientists are discussing Giberellon, a substance capable of doubling the world's food supply (The whole thing sounds a little "ficitious" to me!) But one scientist, Dr. Nishiyama, believes it will cause cancer (Since when does a man-made substance cause cancer?! It's ludicrous!). The scientist is greeted by his daughter, Mariko, and her male boyfriend, Akira, a photojournalist that looks like Elvis (I'm just going to refer to him as “Elvis”). Dr. Nishiyama informs Mariko that species of birds are dying. They show a flock of birds flying overhead, then they superimpose animated bird silhouettes falling from the sky! Nice touch!

An assistant barges into the office announcing the sighting of giant slugs! (Alright!!!) They drive to a location of slug-induced pandemonium! The army is attacking with flamethrowers but we can't yet see the slugs! What would they look like? Would they be giant puppet slugs like those seen in It Conquered the World or stop-motion snails like the monsters in The Black Scorpion? As it turns out, they made slugs that look like … well … slugs. Gelatinous, slow-moving, snot-trailing dopes with those slimy antennae. And they only appear to be a couple of feet long! Did they really need flamethrowers for this??? How about a couple of city workers with some salt! Hardly worthy of scores of flame throwing units! The slugs are burnt to a crisp by a fearful military before rational scientists can examine them.

PC users click here to view the video "Slugs" in Telefission!

It's becoming clear that Earth's problems are a byproduct of an overpopulated world and our wasteful habits. Yes, my friends, LITTERING is destroying the world! Yeah, right! (Oh, … it IS? Bummer.) Next, they find thousands of dead fish washed up on shore. Mariko stands along the shore with Elvis, who's wearing a leisure suit. They look into the camera and go on and on about pollution and how we're destroying the world. Apparently turned on by whining, Elvis kisses Mariko by oddly grappling her head with his arms like an NBA player steals the ball at tip-off.

The next morning we're in a doctor's office listening to Dr. Nishiyama explain that one-third of all babies in New Guinea are now born with some kind of deformity. Being the geniuses they are, they think it may have something to do with a strange radioactive cloud that has suddenly appeared over New Guinea. The U.N. has dispatched a team of scientists to investigate the cloud which is also causing mass hallucinations among the populace. Mariko and Elvis arrive in New Guinea to attend a dance performance (Never let radiation keep you from attending a good dance performance!) The dance appears to be a cross between a high school dance recital and a scene from Reefer Madness. Just then, Elvis winces in pain. That darned radiation cloud is affecting only him (It must have a quicker effect on Japanese men sporting pompadours!). He can't believe his eyes when all the dancers suddenly shrink to a quarter their size, then return to normal.

PC users click here to view the video "Halucination" in Telefission!

Meanwhile, back in Japan, a subway has just been attacked by plants! And it's only one of many strange occurrences! They show a boy who can walk faster than the other boys can run! A girl who can leap great distances when raised clumsily by fishing line! A six-year-old boy who can make fast math calculations. (Is it just me or are these really boring super powers?!) Scientists believe all this has occurred because people are drinking water contaminated by a nearby zinc mine. Government administrators suggest all Japanese factories close for ten years, check population growth by abstaining from sex, and survive on nothing but millet. As you might imagine, this idea does not go over big with the public.

In the next scene, a man driven mad sits in a tree wearing a suit. This is never really explained, I just figured he was … y'know … mad. Miles away, we see the Egyptian pyramids covered in snow. The narrator explains that “The air is polluted! The dust hanging in the air intercepts the rays of the sun before they reach the earth, with the result that they are cooled!” For example, the waters surrounding the Hawaiian Islands are frozen! An even stranger effect is that both captains of the Hawaiian ship are both Japanese!

In Africa and southeast Asia, a freak drought has killed almost a billion people! Wow, that's one fast-acting drought! The government council receives a report stating the special U.N. team has been reported missing in New Guinea. The U.N. is sending a second team to rescue the first team. Doctor Nishiyama volunteers to go. Their plane lands in New Guinea and Nishiyama and Japanese Elvis meet the U.N. team. This is a great scene because they actually meet on a sound stage in front of a rear projection of an airport. They shake hands while hot, studio lights fry their sweaty faces. They take a ride in a jeep while rear projection pedestrians pass by.

Soon, they're on foot, cutting through the dense jungle vegetation -- wearing silver HASMAT-type suits and carrying Geiger counters. They discover a colorful plant that eats a live bird in front of their eyes! The U.N. scientists conclude the plant was mutated by, you guessed it, RADIOACTIVITY!

PC users click here to view the video "Plant" in Telefission!

But soon, Geiger counter guy informs the others that it is now safe to remove their helmets (Yeah, like that would be good enough for me!). But as soon as they do, they are attacked by a huge mutant bat with a seven foot wingspan! (Alright! Atomic monsters!) The radiation not only increased their size but gave the bats the ability to glide! Almost as if on wires! Luckily, these U.N. inspectors pack heat and blow the bats to bits!

But they don't have long to catch their breath because a 12-inch leech leaps out of the water and attacks U.N. scientist Frank's throat! To make matters worse, it's … RAINING LEECHES! The U.N. team runs away and somehow this enables them to avoid the leech downpour. A U.N. man removes the leech from Frank's neck and tosses it into the water, whereupon another U.N. guy shoots it! Apparently, a gun-toting U.N. scientist is good enough to hit a leech from several feet away! This movie has it all!

PC users click here to view the video "Leeches" in Telefission!

Frank holds his neck screaming and another U.N. guy yells, “Get ready with a blood transfusion!” Soon, they're all in a tent giving the guy a blood transfusion! (Man, these U.N. guys are prepared for anything!)

Suddenly, Frank sits up in bed, his eyes as big as saucers! He freaks out, lashing out at everyone and at one point, (and it's little things like this that make great bad movies) … gives a flying suplex to one of the scientists! I didn't know U.N. scientists watched so much pro-wrestling! The scientists hear a noise and go outside. One guys asks, “Shouldn't we wear our protective outfits?” and Dr. Nishiyama replies, “Nah.” (Oh, OK! I'll just take your word on that!) But the movie makers at Toho decided that we haven't had enough action yet. As soon as the men leave their tent, they're attacked by … mutated island natives!!! Then the U.N. scientists, who work for the world's symbol for peace and humanitarianism … gun the natives down!!! You might say, “Sure, but they still have to protect themselves.” That's a valid point. Except they even shoot the natives who are just standing around like a shooting gallery. (Y'know, for mutations, these natives aren't very dangerous.)

The natives run away and the U.N. guys follow them, hoping they will lead them to the missing U.N. team. They use a machete to slash their way through jungle and wade through rivers carrying shotguns like a Leisure Suit-wearing chain gang. The trail leads them into a cave where they find the bodies of the first U.N. team, who are now disfigured by the radiation and in a coma state. A U.N. guy aims his gun at the disfigured U.N. team saying, “What else can we do but kill them? It's for the best.” (YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK YOU JUST LIKE SHOOTING PEOPLE!) In any event, team 2 puts team 1 out of its misery.

Meanwhile, back in Japan, we see a jet plane suddenly explode. And ... get this ... the explosion has DAMAGED THE OZONE! I always knew one good plane explosion would one day punch a hole in the Ozone layer! And now intense, ultraviolet light is reaching the Earth. People begin to sizzle! Everything from huts to entire forests are set ablaze by the sun's burning rays! Off screen, flamethrowers attack model cities and explosive charges destroy model oil refineries! You gotta hand it to Toho – nobody blows up models like these guys! Up north, the polar ice caps have begun to melt! Atmospheric pressure systems have run amok! Torrential rainstorms are drowning major cities! The rains have produced flooding and mudslides on a biblical scale! There's a funny scene here where there's two guys sitting in a car and when the flood water's come, it looks like they sprayed these guys with a fire hose! They're lucky it didn't take their heads off!

The flood waters are taking out everything – model farms, model highways and model telephone poles. It's a sad day for models everywhere! Oh the humanity! They also announce that America's heartland is flooded and the Great Lakes have over flown and have destroyed much of the U.S. (I guess my recycling that can was a waste of time!). Back at the home of Dr. Nishiyama, his wife is ill and his daughter Mariko announces she's having Elvis's baby, though he doesn't know it yet. Her mother tells her to avoid world events by having the baby at her uncle's place. “The weather's still good where the uncle lives? WHERE COULD HE POSSIBLY LIVE? ATLANTIS?

The Japanese government stresses that everyone should remain calm and not to do anything foolish! As if on cue, (oh yeah – it IS on cue) they show … Japanese hippies! The narrator says that Nostradmas predicted "the young, depraved and without moral restraint, would destroy itself." At least Whitney Houston once sang, “I believe that children are our future!” (Oh wait…she's a drug addict now. Never mind.) Later they show the youths' “Regatta of Death” where young people sail ships into the open sea to kill themselves, while dressed in weird costumes and face paint. Now, as still a semi-young person, I'd like to believe that we youths would not be TOTAL IDIOTS! More young fools flip a coin and then ride motorcycles off a cliff. I don't know why they bothered with the coin toss – they all rode their motorcycles off a cliff anyway! The funny thing about this scene is they show about a dozen motorcycles go over the edge and the riders fall off but if you notice, it's the same two riders each time – a guy with a yellow headband and yellow shirt and a guy with a red shirt. They just sent the same two stuntmen over and over again hoping no one would notice!

The Japanese government has decided to take control of all rice, soy and beans causing civilians to clash with police guarding food warehouses! At the government council, they say, “We must beware of these radical, left-wing groups.” So the starving are actually left-wingers! Now I see! At night we see a guy lose patience in heavy traffic. He smashes through cars, causing his to become airborne and crashing into another car that catches fire. Then, somehow, that fire causes a chain reaction and every car on the road catches fire! It's so stupid! Every single car catches fire and the fire spreads throughout the city. That is some fender-bender!

PC users click here to view the video "Fender Bender" in Telefission!

Meanwhile, Dr. Nishiyama, after a week of good, old-fashioned slayings in New Guinea, has returned to his sick wife's side. He cries as she slips away. This is touching but then snot runs out of his nose! And I don't mean a little! Gross!!! Later, Nishiyama and Elvis are on the building's roof, badly acting about doomsday. They and the rest of the world notice the sky is acting like a reflex mirror, reflecting the landscape beneath upside down in the sky. It's actually the first really cool special effect in this movie!

At a beach, Mariko tells Elvis she's having his baby. This scene is so bizarre. Elvis has been completely loving and supportive to Mariko throughout this movie. But then he reaches out to touch her stomache and Mariko flips out!

PC users click here to view the video "Baby" in Telefission!

Suddenly, as if Japan didn't have enough to worry about – VOLCANIC ERUPTIONS! EARTHQUAKES! Oh well, at least bolts of lightning aren't destroying everything in their path! OH YES THEY ARE! I just hope Japan 's nuclear facilities are safe. THEY'RE NOT! RADIATION LEAKS ARE BURNING EVERYONE IN THE POWER PLANT! The government is concerned these problems will lead to a war between the east and west. As if on cue, we see B-52 bombers and nuclear subs in the waters! HEY! I THOUGHT THE WATERS WERE FROZEN SOLID AND ULTRAVIOLET RAYS WERE DESTROYING PLANES! WHAT GIVES??? WHO CARES – IT'S A DISASTER MOVIE! Which is evident by stock scenes of missile launches combined with exploding miniature models. But that's a good thing because it makes the models look REALLY cheap and unconvincing. When it's over, the entire world is a barren wasteland and all life is lost except for a few, mutated humanoids who fight over which one gets to eat a snake. At the end of the movie, we learn none of the disasters have actually happened -- It was just a scenario of the council's. But it may happen if all of us don't change our ways.

It's a little ironic that thousands of VHS copies of a movie against littering now rest at the bottom of landfills around the world. And if you think that was the end, The Last Days of Planet Earth is rumored to be released on DVD in late 2004! Nevertheless, this movie has convinced me to change my wasteful ways. As I finish throwing away The Creature's 20,000th disposable diaper, I'm really proud of my new eco-friendly lifestyle. I often reflect on it while enjoying a piping-hot coffee in a styrofoam Country Fair cup, while driving to buy my 3,000-pg. Sunday newspaper of which I'll only read the funnies. Uh oh … I think I left every light in the house on!

Comment on this movie

If you liked A*P*E, you'll love The Last Days of Planet Earth! This movie has it all! An over-the-top plot, corny dialogue, atomic mutations, special effects and more destruction than all other disaster films combined!

Dr. Nishiyama: "By not allowing them to live, you're killing them!"

Dr. Nishiyama: "The question is: when?"
Akira: "Immediately!"
Dr. Nishiyama: "You mean right now?"