The Killer Shrews (1957)

James Best, famous for his role as Sherriff Rosco P. Coletrane in The Dukes of Hazzard , plays charter boat captain Thorne Sherman. Captain Sherman and his black first mate, Rook Griswold, deliver supplies to a tiny island which is solely inhabited by biologist Marlowe Craigis and his staff, which includes his daughter Ann (the movie's babe) and the ornery Dr. Jerry Farrell played by Ken Curtis of Gunsmoke fame. Fearing an impending hurricane, Captain Sherman and Rook are forced to spend the night on the island.

Sherman is invited to the house and introduced to a mexican servant named Mario who might as well have the words "shrew bait" tattooed on his forehead. The house is surrounded by a high wooden gate which the staff keeps locked. Dr. Craigis explains, over some refreshing martinis and cigarettes, how self-sufficient they've become on the island, consuming fresh cow's milk and chicken eggs.

Moments later, we are introduced to another scientist, Dr. Radford Baines, played by the executive producer of the movie, Gordon McLendon. Radford explains the importance of their research. In this case, it's not so much "how" they're creating a race of giant shrews as much as "why". In an attempt to control human overpopulation, the biologists are hoping the experiments will lead to shrinking the human race! The reasoning is that we would live twice as long at half the size and consume much less. (But if we were all smaller, wouldn't we have to redesign everything? We wouldn't be able to see above the dashboards of cars, trucks or airplanes. Buildings, at least drive-thru windows, would have to be rebuilt. And once we tried sitting on a normal-sized toilet it would suddenly become our jacuzzi! But, I digress...)

Dr. Baines gives us some shrew biology facts, the most important being they will eat anything when hungry, even each other! They even eat  bones. All this pleasant conversation helps turn Anne, already frightened by the storm, into a martini-drinking machine! Then we learn that Dr. Farrell...I'm just going to refer to him as "Festus" from now on...it was Festus who got hammered one night (Do you see a theme here?) and accidentally released the mutated shrews into the wild.

Meanwhile, first mate Rook is outside being chased by 100-lb. shrews (which are actually played by ... hold onto your hat... dogs dressed in rat costumes! The greatest cheesey monster costume EVER!). The giant rodents (racing on their long, thin canine legs) quickly chase Rook up a tree and eventually send him crashing to the ground.

Back at the house, Anne finally spills the beans to Capt. Sherman, (alright I'll call him Rosco from now on,) that they are in danger of being torn to shreds by giant, starving shrews. Fortunately, even though shrews can burrough through dirt, wood, cement ... (did I say "fortunately"?) they cannot swim! Therefore, if they all make it to Rosco's boat, they'll be safe. After hitting the bottle one more time, they board up the house and wait for daybreak because, as everyone knows, shrews are blinded by daylight (It's strange that noone seems concerned about whether or not giant shrews can hear or smell terrified people running for their lives.)

The shrews, having just dined on soul food (Rook), now apparently have a hankering for mexican! They tunnel their way into the basement and ambush Mario. Killer Shrews 2, minorities 0. Something tells me these critters are now going for some white meat. But hold everthing ... now there's a new twist to the shrews ... they're poisonous! It seems the poison they were given after unsuccessful experiments has assimilated into their salivary glands (Yeah, I thought that might happen). So now they are faced with giant, mutated, poisonous, carnivorous shrews! Now we've got a movie!

The bargain basement shrews make their way upstairs, forcing our heroes to flee outside to the safety of the fence-enclosed courtyard. But there are still many shrews in the woods, keeping the humans from the boat. Rosco comes up with the ultimate plan to get past them! (It was probably this maneuvere that awarded him the Sherriff job in Hazzard County.) His idea is to use large empty chemical drums, turn them upside down, cut out eye holes and wear them as personal army tanks! To withstand the strong winds of the storm, the drums will have to be tied together with ropes.

And so, once assembled, four people begin to duck walk two miles to the shore past biting, clawing shrews. For some reason, Festus opts to stay behind, then later decides to make a run for it and is killed by playful, prancing dogs wearing carpet remnants on their backs. I mean...savage shrews. Once in the sea, the remaining four swim safely to the boat.

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