The Killer Shrews (1959)

Before we get to the review of The Killer Shrews, I need to say a few words to some other vermin:

Hey, mice that live in my garage - are you happy now?

Hi, mice. Were you full of glee when you built a nest for a family of 50 inside the engine of my riding lawn mower? Do you roll around laughing on your flea-bitten backs watching me try to find my way around a motor? (SO WHAT if I thought Briggs & Stratton was a 60's folk duo! It's probably a common mistake.)

But as a graphic artist, I can appreciate the creative job you guys did wedging that shard of chestnut shell between the Transaxle Support Bracket and the Shift Lever Assembly. Oh, don't be surprised -- I have learned the names of a few mower parts having now been outside with this operator's manual for more than an hour.

Actually, this manual contains a lot of helpful information. For instance -- did you know that when you lift the plastic housing over the engine, it also lifts up the compartment that contains the dipstick thereby dripping black, filthy motor oil on my cement driveway? I didn't. Ha ha - Who's the dipstick now? Me, that's who! Ha ha. Good times, good times.

I bet you nearly busted a gut when you watched me drop that tiny screw into a little corner of the engine that no human fingers can reach. Speaking of which, could you use your creepy little Jack Skellington's to fetch that out for me? No? I'm sorry – you're right. I'm embarrassed for even asking.

As I sit here in my driveway defeated on this sweltering summer day, I can feel you all watching me perhaps from the garage roof or a nearby tree. Are you getting a good view watching me try every lousy socket to find the one that fits this bolt I need to remove? At least I found the wrench so I can bash your brains in … What am I saying?! I apologize! That was completely inappropriate! I could never break your skull – because unfortunately it's collapsible. Convenient for squeezing into small spaces!

Now that I'm thinking about it, let me ask you another question: Do the mosquitoes buzzing around my head look as hungry as they feel? I have to say – the swelling bites on my neck are making it a little difficult to concentrate, especially when they buzz just outside my ear sending chills down my spine. That is so soothing!

One of the highlights of today was dragging the wet vac out of the basement to suck the grass out of the engine -- only to realize I forgot to bring the extension cord. It was probably my seething hatred of you that distracted me a third time when I forgot to bring the attachments.

Oh! Before I forget, thank you for building that second condominium in the half-inch space between the seat and the top of the mower deck! That was like finding a special present on Christmas morning behind the tree!

Funny thing is - you would think I'd be able to find a stick to dig all this out with. After all – I'm outdoors...how hard could it be to find a stick? I mean, when you don’t need a stick, you see them all over. Constantly under foot! As it turns out, it takes about 10 freaking minutes.

My 5-year-old daughter was really excited when she heard a “mousie” made a nest in Daddy's thousand-dollar lawn mower. She wanted to see the “mousie.” I said, “I do too! In fact, I wish that “mousie” was in front of me right now – at my feet. Right next to my foot. Like, right beside my foot.”

One last thing, and this is the best: Did you happen to look in my window earlier to see my Cocker Spaniel take a giant dump on the living room carpet because, while I was distracted outside, I forgot to let him out? You DID see that? Was it hilarious? I thought it might be! I mean…if it didn’t happen to me, I would find it hilarious.

Well, the sun's almost down now so I guess I missed my chance to mow all this really tall grass in my yard. It's a shame because they're calling for 3 days of rain. So that would make the next available dry day to mow...on a Saturday! So not only will I have to do this again on a weekend but as a bonus, by then the grass will be so high that I'll need to rake it! You've given me the gift that keeps on giving!

So, I guess I'll put all the tools away now. And just to show there’s no hard feelings, I'm leaving you a tasty little treat in the garage. They look like little candies. Like little blue Tic Tacs. I know you're naturally skiddish, but don't be suspicious - just dig right in! Oh, don’t thank me – it's my pleasure.

The Killer Shrews (1959)

The Killer Shrews opens with a scene in which a small boat is ferrying supplies to an island where genetic experiments are being conducted. The role of Captain Sherman is played by James Best, remembered fondly by boys growing up in the 80's as Sheriff Roscoe P. Coletrane in TV's The Dukes of Hazzard.

In case you're too young to remember, the show was about (as the opening theme song twanged) "Just the good ol' boys never meanin' no harm.” The good ol' boys refers to cousins Bo and Luke Duke.

Through no fault of their own, Bo and Luke would lead authorities on car chases that often left police vehicles flipped upside down in the mud, BUT you have to remember - they didn't "mean no harm.” Nor did they mean harm by tying up deputies or shooting arrows with sticks of dynamite attached.

Besides –  whether or not they meant harm is moot anyway because, as the song clearly justified, “they'd been in trouble with the law since the day they were born." So...there you go.

(Sorry - I segued there like a nitrous oxide-boosted Dodge Charger painted with a Confederate flag.)

As I was saying, Captain Sherman and his black skipper / banjo-player, Rook Griswold, are racing to the island to avoid an impending hurricane that's due to strike by nightfall.

Rook says, “Sho is a lotta quiet out there. You can almost smell it.” Then Sherman replies, “No, but I can FEEL it.”

OK, now, right away I've got a problem with Sherman! Can't he just agree that he also “smells” the quiet? Does he have to argue whether he “smells” the quiet or “feels” the quiet!? Rook should roll his eyes like, “You're such a jerk.”

Thorne says the atmospheric pressure has dropped and that means there’s a hurricane ahead. Rook replies, “What’s that mean to us?” (Really, Rook? You're on a boat and you want to know how a hurricane will affect you? Maybe Sherman should hire skippers with a little more boating experience rather than how well they play the banjo.)

When Sherman (I'm not sure why they call him by his last name like boys in gym class) reach the island, they are greeted by Swedish biologist Dr. Marlowe Craigis and his staff, which includes his hot, blonde daughter, Ann, and her ornery, ex-fiance Dr. Jerry Farrell (played by Ken Curtis a.k.a. Festus on TV's Gunsmoke.) Jerry is jealous of the way Sherman looks at Ann and is also leary that Sherman may discover the truth about their experiments.

Sherman is invited to the house and introduced to a Mexican servant named Mario who might as well have the words "shrew bait" tattooed on his forehead. The house is surrounded by a high, wooden fence which the staff keeps locked. But mysteries can wait until later because it’s 1959 -- time for cigarettes and hard liquor!

Dr. Craigis explains how self-sufficient they've become on the island, consuming fresh chicken eggs and cow's milk (pasteurization's overrated.)

Moments later, we are introduced to another scientist, Dr. Radford Baines played by the executive producer of The Killer Shrews — Gordon McLendon! I can just imagine the actors saying, “Gordon, you can't be in the movie, you're not an actor,” he probably replied, "I can't be much worse than you guys!” To which they slowly lowered their heads and nodded in agreement.

Baines explains their big plan: In an attempt to control human overpopulation, they're hoping to find a way to SHRINK the size of every human so that we consume less and live longer. Isn't living longer part of the reason for overpopulation? Plus, if everybody became smaller, wouldn't we have to rebuild...oh, I don't know...EVERYTHING?! And imagine selling this concept to Americans who love SUVs, flatscreen TVs, quarter-pounders and even take a little blue pill to get bigger.

Baines gives us a couple of shrew biology facts, the most important being they will eat anything when hungry, even each other! All this pleasant conversation helps turn Ann, already frightened by the hurricane, into a Martini-drinking machine!

Now I know the real reason why Ann broke up with Jerry.

Then we learn that Jerry got hammered a few nights ago and left the shrew cage door open. They all reflect on the dangers of alcohol while having another round of drinks.

Ann invites Sherman to sit on the couch with her. She asks if he's curious about the origin of her thick, Swedish accent.

While they make puppy eyes, poor Rook is outside being chased by 100-lb. shrews (which are actually played by ... hold onto your hat ... dogs draped with fur!)

The angry shrews (tails wagging and happily prancing on their skinny, canine legs) quickly chase Rook up a tree. You wouldn’t think a portly man like Rook could climb a tree, but with dog-sized vermin on your tail, you’d be surprised. Unfortunately, Rook selects the scrawniest sapling to climb and soon crashes to the ground where he's devoured. Good move, Satchmo.

Back at the house, lightning strikes a nearby tree. Sherman tells Ann she shouldn't worry about trees falling on the house because — (this is great...) — he remembers that all the trees near the house are angled away from it and so the trees can't fall on the house. Thank God Sherman had the common sense to memorize the angle of all the nearby trees!!! Look for Sherman as he stars in the upcoming crime-drama, "Thorne Sherman, CSI Boat Captain!"

Deciding he'd rather sleep in his boat during a hurricane than answer any more of Ann's Swedish accent questions, Sherman heads for the door. But Ann can't risk him opening the gate after sundown and pulls a gun on him! (Geez, Ann, who's the shrew now?) She finally spills the beans about how they've genetically engineered hundreds of giant, killer shrews and suddenly, the hurricane doesn't seem so bad after all!

Fear the shrew who's teeth are so long they cannot open wide enough to bite!

According to Baines, shrews can burrough through dirt but they cannot swim. Therefore, if they can reach the boat, they'll be safe until the shrews devour each other. Or, and this is just MY idea: Since they'd already be on the boat -- they could just leave.

Next, the shrews attack a horse in the stable. When the horse whinnies, Sherman mistakes it for the sound of Rook's voice (Sherman, you can quickly memorize the angles of trees around a house but you can't tell the difference between the sound of a horse and your skipper's voice? You just lost your TV crime show, buddy.)

When Sherman finally realizes it's Rook, he tries to leave but Jerry prevents him from opening the door by belting Sherman in the mouth. Now, this SHOULD be where Sherman jumps up and kicks his ass! Instead, Sherman tends to his bleeding lip in a very UN-leading man type way. And just to rub it in, a minute later, Jerry takes Sherman's drink out of his hand and finishes it as if to say, "Yeah that's right…biatch!" Geez, is Jerry a scientist or a bully at summer camp?

And even though they realize there are packs of giant shrews outside ready to tear them to pieces, they all have a few more Martinis before boarding up the windows (This is actually a popular college drinking game: Get plastered, then try not to hit your thumb with a hammer.)

When Sherman voices concern about the shrews burroughing up through the floor, Craigis says, “Don’t worry about them getting in here, the floors are tile!” Ah, indestructible tile. He's right – not only is tile the strongest substance on Earth, but if these rodents are like big dogs, they'll knock themselves senseless by stupidly sliding on the tile and crashing into the nearest stove.

A tribute to an old Saturday Night Live skit called "Land shark".

Baines says shrews are blinded by sunlight so they decide to lay low until morning. (It's strange that Baines isn't concerned if shrews are alerted to the sound of drunks with hammers boarding up windows.)

The shrews, having just dined on soul food (Rook), now have a hankering for Mexican. They tunnel into the basement and ambush Mario.

The score so far: shrews 2, minorities 0.

Next, the critters decide to travel upstairs for some white meat.

But hold everthing! Now there's a new wrinkle — the shrews are now poisonous! It turns out that back when Craigis conducted experiments, he poisoned the shrews that were considered unsuccessful. But instead of dying, the shrews assimilated the poison into their salivary glands making their bite lethal!

Wow! Talk about a defense mechanism! It sure beats the defense mechanism of the poor, fuzzy chinchilla (I just saw this on the Discovery Channel) which is ... (buckle up!) ... to try and shake off as much fur as possible in an attempt to weigh less so they can run faster! As defense mechanisms go, doesn't that SUCK?! It's funny to Imagine back in the time of creation — you're a chinchilla and you're standing in line with other animals to see what defense mechanism you're going to get. You've just been told what yours is going to be and the guy behind you is a porcupine and you hear, "And you're getting...razor-sharp quills." You'd be like, "Motherf.....!"

Anyway — The shrews make their way upstairs from the basement, forcing our heroes to flee outside to the safety of the fence-enclosed courtyard. But there are shrews in the woods preventing them from reaching the boat. Ann says, "...and just when I was about to tell you about my accent." (I can't believe Ann's accent is the story arc of this movie!)

Sherman comes up with a plan to use a dead shrew as bait and while the others are feasting on it, he and Jerry will prepare the boat. (I'm confused - can't EVERYONE go with them to "prepare the boat?")

But in the woods, Jerry double-crosses Sherman by sticking a gun in his back! (I KNEW Jerry was the biggest rat in this picture!) But Sherman responds with a swift uppercut to the midrift! THERE'S our leading man! Once Sherman's alpha dog statis is made, the guys discover Rook’s supplies and gun but the shrews have them surrounded! (Now the shrews are hunting like pack animals!)

After Jerry whines incessantly about Sherman not giving him one of the guns to protect himself with, Sherman finally gives him one - but here's the thing - in a choice between a rifle and the pistol, Sherman gives Jerry, the backstabber, the pistol?! Sherman, you idiot! ... the pistol is, hands down, the gun of choice for double-crossers. Everyone knows that!

If you don't believe they're in a raging hurricane, just watch the trees.

Sherman says, "whatever you do, don’t panic and run." which Jerry does a minute later, leading the shrews straight to the house. Once Jerry’s inside the gate, he locks Sherman outside with the shrews. Sherman finds a way in eventually and pounds Jerry to within an inch of his life – nothing like locking a guy outdoors with killer shrews to make a fella mad. Hey, at least he didn't turn the gun on him, right?

Sherman becomes so enraged, he almost throws the unconscious Jerry over the fence to feed the shrews but he comes to his senses. But, soon, they’re all back inside the house drinking Martinis! Was this movie sponsored by Hendrick's gin?

Suddenly, the shrews enter the living room by digging their way through the rain-soaked adobe walls. Sherman responds by sliding a couch against the opening. Because if there's one thing rodents hate chewing, it's upholstery.

They flee to the fenced-in courtyard, where someone remarks it would take a tank to get them out safely. Sherman decides to save everyone by building a homemade "Sherman" tank. Sherman uses a cutting torch (what self-respected genetic scientist doesn't own a cutting torch?) to cut out eye holes in chemical drums, turn them upside down, tie them all together and wear them while duck walking all the way to the beach. And while most times this idea would be greeting with a, "Are you insane?," in this movie the idea is hailed as if he just invented shoes. They'll either make it all the way to the beach or the shrews will tip over the drums and eat them in their cans like Alpo.

Sherman devises a way to unhook the gate latch by pulling a string once they're all inside the drums. One little continuity problem I noticed: they need the gate to swing outward but at the beginning of the movie, the gate is shown swinging inward. There isn't a scene of the custom-made tank leaving the courtyard because the gate doesn't swing that way (with my luck, that's how I would've died in this movie after having done all that work with the oil drums: trapped with the shrews in the courtyard.)

The heroes test their mettle. Specifically, the steel in their thighs.

I love the way they can somehow hear each other even though each person is in their own metal can! As for the duck walking, I want all of you to try this (And mean really do it - don't just read it and go, "yeah." — really try this:) Get up from your chair and dulk walk across the room. I just did it and my thighs are burning. You need to experience it so you can appreciate how impossible it would be to duck walk across an island without stopping! Go ahead - I'll wait. OK, are you back now? You didn't do it, did you! That's OK, I didn't really do it either.

While the others head for the beach, Jerry remains behind. Because it worked so well the last time, Jerry decides the best way to escape the shrews is to run through the woods as fast as he can. Amazingly, he makes it safely to the boat! Just kidding — he’s quickly eaten alive. In his "death scene," Jerry stumbles over a log and is consumed by a dozen, prancing pooches in shrew costumes.

As for the others, the ruptured capillaries in their legs have paid off! They reach the water and are soon safely in the boat (They're lucky that, instead of making them poisonous, Dr. Craigis didn't splice the shrews with otter DNA.)

At the end of the movie, the story comes full circle when Sherman looks longingly into Ann's eyes and says, "This will give me a chance to learn about that accent." I wish there was a deleted scene where Ann replies, "I'm from Sweden." Then Sherman says, "Yeah, I figured that out 24 hours ago."

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