|
Incredible Petrified World (1957)
I know many of you have already seen all of director Jerry Warren’s movies, but until writing this review I had only seen The Wild World of Batwoman and Teenage Zombies.
Sitting down to watch a another Jerry Warren film is like going to Dairy Queen but instead of ordering the Snickers Blizzard you really like, you get coaxed into the "special of the month" – something weird like Pumpkin Spice ice cream with chunks of Bit O' Honey. But because you’re so hungry you don't think it'll be that bad. “I could’ve had something else!” you scream during the closing credits at 1 a.m.
 |
The Incredible Petrified World opens with a raging storm over the Caribbean Sea. The narrator says, “This is the sea...as old as the world itself."
Hold on here a minute. Let me get this straight. The sea and the world…the same age?! Now that you mention it, it makes sense there wasn’t just a frozen sea floating in the void of space. The illumination continues…
“Each creature preys relentlessly on each other.”
Yes, just like those “Running of the Brides” sales I’ve seen on TV where brides beat the crap out of each other for a trampled, water-stained designer gown.
“Each animal is equipped with an effective weapon: speed, camouflage, knife-like teeth, poison.”
Well, almost everyone. Tough break, fainting goats.
The narrator tells us that scientists, working with sonar, discovered a mysterious layer deep beneath the sea perhaps composed of living creatures. Some believe the layer is composed of squid since they are tremendously abundant.” That theory seems a bit lazy, doesn't it? Y'know what else is abundant? Noodles. Maybe the layer is made up of noodles! Noodles and Thriller LPs.
“As the sun goes down, some of these creatures have the power to create their own luminescence.”
Just like Scarlet Johannson. Let's all pause for a moment and think about Scarlet Johannson, shall we?
 |
.................................................................aaaaaand we're back.
To investigate the vast layer of fish, Dr. Wyman (played by John Carradine, the Sir Ian McKellen of B movies), has built a “diving bell.” A diving bell is a revolutionary exploration vehicle that’s difficult to describe. Picture a big, hollow ball with a ladder in it.
|
Soon, four suckers (Craig, Paul, Dale and Lauri) will be lowered into the sea by a crane on a ship. Dale, the female reporter, is handed a dear john letter. I guess whoever sent it really wanted to be sure Dale was focused on her death-defying journey and not distracted by heartache. Angered, Dale tosses her Jerry Warren-purchased gumball machine engagement ring into the water.
Dr. Wyman says good luck to the crew. He wishes he could go down with them under the sea but he’s unsure of his vehicle and would prefer his lungs not be filled with salt water and die.
The crane lowers the bell into the water. Dr. Wyman can communicate with his crew with a two-way radio. After the bell submerges to a depth of 1300 feet, he asks, “Is it getting dark down there yet?” They reply (looking out their little round window) “not yet.” NOT YET?! 1300 feet below the sea?!
|
Suddenly the cable disconnects from the bell and it begins to plummet! Now, at this point I should mention that unlike other amazing vehicles of science such as the Apollo 13 space capsule…the bell has no seats! The crew hasn’t even noticed there are no seats (of course we’re talking about 1957. It won’t be until the 1980s that seat belt usage in diving bells will become law, thus infringing on an oceanographer’s constitutional right to have his snorkel rammed upward into his sinuses.
Sinking out of control like this, it will take quite a bit of luck to get them out of this predicament. The bell comes to a sudden halt. The crew is knocked unconscious and they lay on a heap on the floor. Miraculously the equipment, balanced on small tables, remains undisturbed. Even more amazing, Craig thought to bring smelling salts on a diving expedition! Soon he's reviving everyone with a smelly little bottle called “Eau de Jerry Warren.”
|
When the crew regains consciousness, Dale's overwhelming fear makes her become hysterical. But nothing cures a case of the female nerves like some "Cold War counseling" - a good ol’ slap to the face! And Paul is just the man to dish out a palmful of healing (I love how the slappee always thanks the slapper, like they just cured them from an actual nervous breakdown.)
But what will they do now that they are stuck thousands of feet at the bottom of the Caribbean? Hold everything! It appears the bell is not at the bottom of the sea, but rather has landed on a coral shelf. 
But how could that happen? The answer lies in the director's own script — notice how he ties up loose ends through exhaustive research:
Paul: “How could we move upward?”
Craig: “I don't know. And at this point, I couldn't care less.”
They all don their scuba gear. Soon, the crew reaches the surface. But it's not the surface of the sea, rather the surface of a pool of water in a vast series of underground caverns, complete with breathable air!
|
Meanwhile back on the ship, Dr. Wyman feels guilty about his crew who are also former students of his. Yet his commitment to bringing them back alive remains undaunted. Says Wyman, “If their bodies don't surface in about ...oh...5 hours, we'll move out.” In his defense it's probably getting close to dinner time. He adds, “My younger brother has designed a second diving bell in California. They'll be interested to see where mine went wrong.” Yes, that and pressing manslaughter charges against you.
Below in the caverns, Craig, Paul, Dale and Lauri walk around in their wet suits. Paul says there's so much phosphorous in the rock, the caverns are illuminated with 24-hour light! In fact, the glare off their foreheads seems to indicate the phosphorous equals about 1500 watts.
Now they need to find a way out of the caves. But first, Craig says, “we need to fill our stomaches.” He and Paul will dive back to the bell for their shoes and fashion some fishing rods to spear fish with for dinner. Now, were I Paul, I might say, “How in the name of Aqua Lad are we going to make fishing spears?” So it's back to my favorite scene where they swim to the bell, open the hatch then climb into the bell down the ladder without any water pouring in! They do this several times in the movie and it never gets old! To find out how they make the spears you'll have to watch the video clip I've included.
Soon, the four are enjoying their fish and one says, “I prefer bar-b-que just like this!” Yes, because if there's one thing underwater caverns are known for it's plenty of dry firewood.
|
But wait! There's even better news. Paul says, “When we're tired of fish, I found another pool of water filled with shrimp.” Holy cats! If a Texas Longhorn should saunter by they could open their own T.G.I. Friday's!
As they settle down for some shut-eye, Paul continues, “I found a dark crevice with no phosphorous we can use for sleeping in. And don't worry about it getting cold down here. I bet the temperature hasn't varied two degrees.” Light, heat, fish, shrimp...if they're ever rescued, they may want to think about selling this cavern as a timeshare.
Wandering around, they pass by another lost soul – a monitor lizard that apparently grew bored with warming itself on sun-baked rocks and decided to dive into the water and descend to a chilling depth of 1300 feet (cold blooded animals love the cold – it's a fact look it up) until it found the underwater cave entrance. Once inside, the lizard finally rested in the one cave that contains so much phosphorous it's almost as if this scene was filmed somewhere else entirely!
|
After walking for a long time the crew passes by a small pool of water. They stop and take a small sip. “No salt content! Tastes just like well water! In fact, it's better,” says Paul!
Later, Craig and Paul hang out, just the two bros. Paul tries scraping a small rock into a knife but Craig says, “It's no use. These rocks are the hardest rocks I've ever seen. In fact, I'd say their about 60% iron.” A minute later Paul says, “I've got an idea. Instead of wandering around here in circles and getting lost, how about we break off a stalagmite when we pass it?” Craig says, “Good idea!”
After more wandering they make a startling discovery - a human skeleton. Suddenly, dozens of cannibalistic cavemen devour the four! Actually, no. That would be a cool and mercifully quick ending. This group encounters only one living caveman and guess what? He's small, elderly and frail! Paul suddenly looks relieved when he states (and I'm not kidding), “Oh...he's a weirdo! Sure! Who else would be down here?!” Yes, who indeed would be miles below the sea in a cavern...but a weirdo.
The elderly cavern-dweller is dressed in tatters – that is, pants and shirt cut length-wise then across the bottom creating neat, square edges like he was dressed to be in a cartoon. He's been down here so long he's failed to notice that his hair, beard and eyebrows have grown into the consistency of cotton!
The crew ask the old man all kinds of questions except where he's been going to the bathroom all these years because you'd think the crew would be stepping around caveman patties all the time.
|
They ask the caveman how long he's been down here and he replies “Fourteen years.” Is that all?! Was he 70 years old when he arrived?!
He tells the four there's no way out and the air they're breathing is being fed through a volcano. Mmm, fresh oxygen filtered through a volcano – just like the air John Denver used to sing about. The caveman is genuinely excited to show them the volcano since giving a tour is easily the most interesting thing he's done in the last fourteen years.
When they return from their volcano search, Craig (who, by the way, is a scientist and therefore has a great science vocabulary) tells the girls, “There's a volcano, alright - spouting air by the ton.” Whoa, slow down there, Einstein. Give us dullards a chance to find our dictionary!
Back in civilization, Dr. Wyman's younger brother was planning on building his own diving bell but has suddenly lost his funding - What are the odds?! (Hmm...that makes me want to stop working on the small, hydrogen zeppelin I've been building near the refinery!)
Dr. Wyman, having suddenly discovered the cause of the bell disaster, (Seriously, in the scene when the bell began to fall, the crew yelled, "The cable's snapped!" on the two-way radio) he flies to the west coast and quickly convinces them to finance the second bell and insists the he be the one to go down in it. But the mood of the room is instantly lightened when they all break out into laughter and he yells, "Yeah, right! What do you think I'm f*ckin' nuts?!" After a few slaps on the back and comments of "Good one!" they hire an ex-Wall Street guy to drive it.
|
Back in the caverns, the women are beginning to fight. Their fiery temperament arouses the attention (and other things) in the old, bearded man who, after fourteen years, is feeling as spry as a 67-year-old. He thinks he might even drag one by her hair like a caveman if he wasn't concerned his osteoporosis wouldn't separate his hand from his wrist.
Meanwhile, Paul and Craig have just finished another trip between the bell and the caverns. Craig says there's just enough oxygen in their tanks for one more trip, which begs the question: If they had that much air in their tanks to begin with, why not just swim to the surface?
But wait! What's this? Paul has run out of air! His arms and legs flail wildly! In fact, he's so scared he leaves behind a string of poop just like a goldfish.*
* My nephew wrote that joke — thanks, Brian!
Surely, this must be where even their luck runs out! Omigosh! A rescue ship has suddenly arrived directly over them! Dr. Wyman has returned in the nick of time!
|
Within moments, the rescue ship spots Craig and Paul and the ship's radio man says, “I've found the bell! It's a hundred feet below us!” WHAT? Only a hundred feet from the surface?! So let me get this straight — the bell's cable broke 1300 feet then an undersea current lifted the bell 1200 feet upward onto some sort of shelf?! I have only one thing to say about that... But now, a quick word to Craig and Paul who have been swimming back and forth all day between the bell and the cave - you numbskulls!
Paul and Craig are pulled into the second "rescue" bell by a guy wearing jeans and a shirt. And that makes sense. I mean why would the guy wear a wet suit? It's not like diving bells have malfuncioned lately.
When they reel in Paul, he's unconscious so the guy in jeans says, “I'll get him some coffee!” He unscrews a thermos and pours coffee directly into Paul's mouth. Because nothing cures asphyxiation like a scalding-hot beverage!
Back in the caverns, the old man decides to make a move on Dale. First, he offers to kill the others so they can be alone. When she declines, he decides to kill her instead. Dale then wishes she had accepted the first offer.
|
So at last, this is it! Their luck has finally run out and Dale's about to be...what's that rumbling?! The volcano erupts, burying only the caveman (not the girls) in paper mache boulders! The tremors have reached Craig who has returned in his wet suit for the girls. Boulders crash upon him! But he's only stunned! The girls run wildly through the caverns. Surely they don't stand a prayer of finding Craig in all those miles of... They do! But how will the girls return with Craig back to the bell without a breathing aparatus? Craig pulls two extra breathing tanks from the water. Even the girls are startled by this stroke of luck, asking, “Where did you get these?!” Craig replies, (and this is great) “Never mind. Put 'em on!”
As soon as they swim away from the caverns toward the bell, the entire series of caverns is flooded with molten lava. The scenes of destruction, while not at all impressive, are interesting to say the least. There's a scene of a mountain exploding but they show it upside down (perhaps meant to resemble a stalagmite?)
|
As the second Bell carries the crew to the surface, Craig says thanks into a two-way radio adding, “I wish the old man had been as fortunate.” You mean the old man who confessed to murdering his companion? The old man who tried to force Dale to become his mate? The old man who was prepared to kill all of you? You mean that old man? Dale just looks at Craig like, "You idiot."
In a moment of light-hearted female bonding, Dale apologizes to Laurie. Laurie replies, “It's OK - All I ever wanted was your friendship.” Then they trade fake smiles that say, "Watch your back, honey."