Horrors of Spider Island (1960)
(now with footnotes!1)

So I'm standing in a checkout lane glancing at the latest tabloids. Personally, I'm not one for reading them but if the alternative is watching the shopper in front of me write a check for a pack of gum, I'll happily find out how much Ben paid for JLo's milkshake at a posh, L.A. restaurant. Anyway, I notice the word "shocking" is used on all the covers. Webster defines shocking as only the most unbelievable events. According to The National Enquirer, the most shocking story of the year, of the ENTIRE year, was the Kobe Bryant scandal. Most shocking?! An NBA player has a one night stand? Is that even surprising?! Another "shocker" was Madonna kissing Britney Spears on stage. Come on! Now, if Margaret Thatcher kissed Barbara Bush on stage, THAT would be shocking!2
1 Like this!
2 And a little nauseating.

But back in 1965, Horrors of Spider Island with its scantily clad ladies1, was considered shocking when the Euro film first appeared in America. Its innuendos pale in comparison to the explicit content of today's movies, but you can imagine the ruckus it would have caused had it appeared in theatres as a double billing with a movie like The Sound of Music.
1 Today such skin flicks are called Victoria's Secret commercials.

You know Horrors of Spider Island is something special when the music starts but the video shows nothing but blackness for the first 45 seconds. And you know you're in for something really special when the credits open and the title is wrong! The movie is introduced as It's Hot in Paradise (the film's original title).

The movie opens in bustling L.A. where the strange "ankle auditions" are about to begin. Producer Gary Webster and his assistant Georgia (who looks like CSI's Margie Hellgenburger) are auditioning dancers for a gig in Singapore. I thought I knew what a dancer was, but after seeing this movie I'm not sure anymore. Gary asks to see the first dancer's legs. Upon review, Gary puts his feet up on his desk and crosses his ankles. Georgia hires her without even seeing her dance! The next girl says she can't dance but purrs, "I pick things up real fast." Georgia escorts her out immediately. The next girl to audition1 is named Babs (picture Anna Nicole Smith with Mick Jagger's lips). Gary crosses his ankles again and Georgia hires her. The next girl is a ballet dancer and for the first time, someone is actually asked to dance for their audition! Gary lets this poor girl leap and spin her heart out for 10 minutes before informing her, "I'm afraid ballet isn't what we're looking for." WAS THERE ANY KIND OF SCREENING PROCESS BEFORE THESE AUDITIONS WERE HELD?! Next, a duo who have worked together before, enters the room. Gary crosses his ankles and Georgia hires them without seeing them dance! WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?! It makes me wonder: If they don't need to dance for their auditions, What IS a dancer? Gary's buddy finally asks, "I thought you were the boss. Why did you let Georgia hire all the girls?" Gary explains: "I put my feet on my desk. If I keep my feet apart, that tells Georgia I'm not interested. If I cross my ankles, that tells Georgia to hire her." YOU'RE THE FREAKING BOSS! WHY DO YOU NEED AN ANKLE SYSTEM??? Blackwood replies, "You always were a crazy guy!" Crazy must have meant "moron" back in the 1960s.
1 Not that any of them have actually danced yet.

Gary, Georgia and the hastily-hired dance troupe are soon in the air. Somewhere over Hawaii at an altitude of about 9,000 feet, the pilot makes a distress call. Engine #2 is burning but his transmission cuts out before he can give an exact location. The flaming aircraft goes screaming into the ocean and explodes upon impact into a thousand pieces. In the next scene they're floating safely in an inflatable life raft! I did a quick Google search and found the odds of surviving a plane crash are .07 percent, but let's assume that it's plausible for eight people to survive that kind of crash. What I want to know is WHO HAD TIME TO INFLATE THE RAFT???

Gary almost wishes he didn't survive because he and Georgia are now stuck with six whiney dancers. Gary comforts the girls by telling them they have to reach land eventually. Suddenly, one of the dancers cries out, "Look! Land!" And there's suddenly a giant island just a few hundred feet away! That was lucky. Gary commands, "Help me paddle! Paddle with your hands!" When they first spot the island it appears to be late afternoon. When they finally reach the shore, it now seems to be late afternoon. Meaning they must have been paddling about 100 knots! Gary, being the man that he is, carries the dancers one by one from the raft to the beach where he leaves them to bake in the sun a little more.

The next morning, Gary finds a waterfall of fresh drinking water. This is a great moment because in the first scene Gary's wearing a shirt but in the very next scene, when he reaches the waterfall, he's not wearing a shirt at all. The dubbed-in sound of him drinking water is really funny too. Do this: Cup your hands in front of your mouth and make slurping sounds. Go ahead, try it -- I'll wait. That's what it sounds like only louder. Gary informs the girls of the waterfall. They awake from their sun-crisped slumber and rush to the waterfall for a drink. 5 seconds later, Gary announces, "OK, girls -- that's enough."

Walking deeper into the island they discover a hammer. Gary deduces that it's a special hammer used to mine Uranium.1 They stumble upon a cabin. Prof. Green, who had been conducting experiments with uranium hangs inside, tangled in a gigantic spider web (made of clothesline). They bury the professor, but little do they know they narrowly escape the attack of the cutest monster spider in the world, like something you'd see in a craft show.
1 He knows this from years of experience as a dance troupe manager.

They discover Green's provisions, enough to last them a month. Remember when Gary told the girls when they'd had their fill of water? He also claps his hands at dusk announcing, "Ok girls, time to go to sleep. C'mon, let's go." Who died and made this guy King Shipwreck?! Gary suddenly isn't all that tired and kisses one of the girls. Jealous Georgia catches him in the act but Gary exonerates himself by saying, "This damn heat! I don't know what I'm doing anymore!" Nice save, Gary! I didn't know high temperatures are a Get Out of Jail Free card! The next scene shows the poorest-timed sound effect of all. Georgia strikes the girl across the face but you hear the slap before her hand even reaches her face.
1 The professor apparently ate enough to feed an entire dance troupe.

Horny and confused, Gary stumbles into the jungle where he's bitten by the spider just before throwing it to the ground and putting a slug through its head. Within moments, infected Gary has a big, ugly, hairy face. Later, the girl that Gary kissed is found strangled. They immediately blame the spider, because spiders are known for choking their prey?! Back at the cabin, the girls are distraught and a girlfight ensues. The fight is hilarious in that it's a fight with no actual violence, just a lot of rolling around on the ground (Hmm, no innuendo there!).

The next morning two guys (Bobby and Joe) arrive in a row boat filled with the Prof's monthly shipment of supplies. The girls are swimming in the lagoon when suddenly Gary the Spider attacks. Now we come to my buddy Jay's favorite scene: The girl's are in very shallow water, maybe a foot deep and instead of simply standing up and running away, they try to swim their way out, their bellies scraping on the bottom.

Bobby makes out with one of the girls on the beach. Sure, it seems sudden but after all, they are "dancers" and you know what THAT means!1 The expedition ship will be back to pick them up in a couple of days and then they'll all be rescued! That night they celebrate by throwing a big party. The party is actually about 20 minutes of awkward banter and utter nonsense. For instance, Bobby says to one girl, "Hey, you really don't know how to start here!" (What???) Bobby makes a date to meet Gladys down by the lagoon in 15 minutes. But soon, Bobby is with someone else! Oh, that Bobby! Finally, Bobby answers my original question: Just what IS a Dancer? Bobby explains, and I quote, "What are dancers? Hot goods for cold nights!" Ah! Now I get it! ANYONE WHO DANCES IS A WHORE! It's so simple!
1 I don't either.

Bobby, tired of Joe's sanctimonious preaching about kissing all the girls, throws a drink in his face! Joe, enraged, says, "Not here," and he motions toward the cabin. So contrary to the phrase, "Let's take this outside", they go INSIDE to fight! Joe and Bobby fight, pausing several seconds before each punch so the other guy has plenty of time to get out of the way. Suddenly, they both erupt into laughter. Maybe they realize they were being silly or perhaps the actors realized their slim odds of ever acting in another movie.

Bobby heads to the lagoon to meet Gladys for the 15 minute date he had about 2 hours ago. When Gladys arrives at the lagoon she finds Bobby dead, killed by The Amazing Spider-Gary and soon he's chasing her all over the island. When the gang shows up to help, Joe tells the dancers, "You go help Gladys! I'm going back to the cabin for more ammunition!" That's the biggest act of cowardice I've seen since the guy from The Beast of Yucca Flats told his wife to distract a mutated Tor Johnson while he drives back into town for help! Spider-Gary throws Gladys off a cliff.

When Joe returns to the cabin, he tells Georgia that Bobby's been strangled, indicating a spider-attack! SPIDERS DON'T STRANGLE! Geez, is there some kind of boa spider I don't know about! Suddenly, Spider-Gary attacks Joe and the two lock in mortal combat! Just when Joe's on the ropes, Georgia saves him by lighting a flare and waving it in Gary's fanged face.

Joe hands out flares to all the girls and soon, a flare-wielding mob chases a ferocious man-spider through the woods. What a sad way for it to end. One minute you're a monstrous, killing machine, the next you're being chased by eight bad dancers wielding road flares. Dancers that Spider-Gary himself hired! How humiliating!

Spider-Gary escapes the mob and hides in the forest. And you know what? They find him! In all the places to look on the entire island, they somehow find him hiding behind one particular shrub and the chase begins again! What was the point of that scene??

In the end, Gary has no choice but to run into a bog of quicksand and die. Well, the other choice would've been to use his incredible spider powers to kill eight woosies carrying road flares, but in any case the movie's over and that's what counts. As Gary goes under, Joe says, "Better for him to die than to go on living." This would've been poignant except for the fact that Gary's screaming as he's sinking into the quicksand.

The End.

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