I've Been Waiting For a Girl Like You. No, no...not YOU...LIKE you. Oh boy, this is awkward.
Dec. 6, 2011

TV commercial for fleece footie pajamas for adults: "You'll be the talk of tailgate parties!"
Dec. 5, 2011

I just learned George Michael has cancelled his tour. That sucks for me because I already bought tickets. I think I left them in the pocket of my acid wash denim jacket with the torn off sleeves.
Dec. 1, 2011

Headline: "Horses could be slaughtered for meat in U.S." Mmmm! And not just horse, but horse by-products. You'll be able to walk up to a Subway counter and order pony baloney on thoroughbred.
Dec. 1, 2011

I received an e-mail saying, "She likes her wood bigger and longer." My wife's going to be so surprised when she sees how I lengthened the dining room table with just some scrap plywood and drywall screws!
Nov. 30, 2011

Am I tired of hearing over-hyped responses?
"Abso-LUTE-ly!"
Nov. 29, 2011

I don't know any 'Sarah Conner' and if you were really from the future, you'd remember me telling you this LAST year. Yeah, yeah, I know - you'll "be bahk." I HATE Cyborg Monday.
Nov. 28, 2011

I'll tell you the same thing I told the police officer who arrested me in front of the Golden Corral Chocolate Wonderfall: Their own commercial says, "You can dip anything you want in it."
Nov. 26, 2011

My 7-year old: "Daddy, do you want to play toys with me?" / Me: "Well, it's past your bed time now but we still have a 4-day weekend to play toys." / Her: "Yeah, but tomorrow's Thanksgiving - so that's one day wasted."
Nov. 23, 2011

What did we do before we all started saying "What did we do before..." all the time?
Nov. 23, 2011

I Googled "What's the" and Google auto-filled the rest with "What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?" Well, one is brown and composed of peanuts while the other one is...wait, WHAT???
Nov. 20, 2011

I think the best way we can all get past this Natalie Wood business is if Robert Wagner and Christopher Walken perform a hilarious reenactment on Saturday Night Live.
Nov. 19, 2011

The sudden, negative public opinion of Ashton Kutcher really puzzles me. Haven't we ALWAYS hated Ashton Kutcher?
Nov. 19, 2011

When someone asks me, "Where were you on 11-11-11?" I'll say, "At the movies paying $10 to watch Immortals." That's pretty embarrassing. Maybe I'll just say I was killing someone.
Nov. 19, 2011

It's getting so a middle-eastern guy can't yell and pound on a cockpit door without being racially profiled.
http://travel.usatoday.com/flights/post/2011/11/locked-in-lav-terror-scare/567754/1?csp=hf&loc=interstitialskip
Nov. 18, 2011

Did you hear somebody shot at the White House? Mike McQueary witnessed the shooting, then ran home and told his dad.
Nov. 17, 2011

Brad Pitt said in an interview he will stop making movies in three years. I'm so excited. It's just like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button but instead of aging backwards, he'll just go away in real life!
Nov. 15, 2011

One more reason why I'll never paraglide:
Nov. 13, 2011

I will vote for the politician who supports the tazering of anyone caught talking louder than the live concert they are videotaping for YouTube. I realize the numbers will be high at first, but eventually we'll all learn the same way we learned in the '70s not to stand underneath a falling lawn Jart.
Nov. 12, 2011

Not to give away any spoilers, but if you're going to see the new movie, "Immortals," be warned that no matter how much you may want it to, it just won't die.
Nov. 11, 2011

"I'll quietly wait in a parking lot for my victim. When he walks right behind me, that's when I suddenly go in reverse! Ha ha ha!" - A backing up hybrid car scaring the crap out of me.
Nov. 10, 2011

God in 1963: "Today, I think I'll make someone who's part Donald Trump and part Charlie Sheen." - Kevin (Free Money) Trudeau is born.
Nov. 9, 2011

The joy of having dodged an asteroid Armageddon is dampened a little by the realization that we forgot to put Ben Affleck on it before it left.
Nov. 8, 2011

They say convicts in solitary forget what the sun feels like on their skin or the sweet smell of fresh air. Now I know what they mean. I just attended my kid's 2-hour swim practice.
Nov. 6, 2011

"Why do you call this place the Pearly Gates? They're more of an eggshell white, if you ask me. And why do we all have wings? I mean, we're already up here...how much further do we need to fly? And why..." - Andy Rooney in heaven.
Nov. 5, 2011

Lindsay Lohan began her court-ordered community service at the morgue today. The mortician said, "Ms. Lohan, I'm sick of your loafing! Get back to work!" Lohan replied, "Fine, but I'm over HERE. You're talking to Dana Plato."
Nov. 2, 2011

"You do? Really? Nah ah. You're kidding, right? You're not? So you're sure, then? Oh wow, you've made me the happiest man on...OK, just to be clear..." - Kim Kardashian's next groom exchanging wedding vows.
Nov. 1, 2011

Teenagers, if you're going to come trick or treating to my door wearing the sports jerseys you had laying around the house, then you're going to get the Hint of Salt Triscuits that I just had laying around the house.
Oct. 31, 2011

Personally, I'm glad Lady Gaga chose the goofy Queen song, "Radio Ga Ga" to name herself after because now the best Queen song is left for my new stage name, Gentleman Fat Bottomed Girls."
Oct. 27, 2011

Comment I found on a football web site (these are real):

oldeenglish ikings d this week arizona dosent travel to wells no pun intended

TrapStar32 would have no idea how to find a pun in that broken attempt of a sentence.
Oct. 19, 2011

I watched a TV program where they praised celebrities who opted out of cosmetic surgery. They showed One Day at a Time mom Bonnie Franklin and said, "Bonnie, you really look great!" She replied, "I'm Bruce Jenner."
Oct. 19, 2011

Shia LeBeouf's drunken attacker: A ruffian, or just a Good Samaritan trying to prevent another two-and-a-half hour Transformers movie?
Oct. 17, 2011

Justin Timberlake stars in the sci-fi movie, "In Time" where time itself is doled out in increments as a valuable commodity. In the movie, when someone asks Timberlake what he would do with time, Timberlake replies, "I sure as hell wouldn't waste it." Message received, Justin!
Oct. 16, 2011

A local Pizza Hut restaurant is being remodeled with a "new and improved" design. I'll bet that means they're going to stuff cheese between the walls.
Oct. 15, 2011

The first hand-held cell phone was introduced in Chicago on this date in 1983. Before cell phones, people didn't communicate and connect with each other the way they...Hold on, I've got a call.
Oct. 13, 2011

Can I just answer everyone who's ever asked me this question and will ever ask me once and forever more? The answer is: Yes, "seriously."
Oct. 12, 2011

When I say, "I drank the Kool-Aid," I mean: 1.) I believed them when they said Dr. Pepper Ten tastes good. 2.) Dr. Pepper Ten actually tastes like cola-flavored Kool-Aid. Stirred with sugarcane. After Coldplay, Air Supply and Barry Manilow whizzed into it.
Oct. 11, 2011

Today being Columbus Day, I decided to honor Christopher Columbus. So I traveled to Columbus, Ohio and declared it to be Connecticut.
Oct. 10, 2011

Actual etiquette tip: "Never butter a whole piece of bread at once. Instead, tear off bite-size pieces and butter each piece individually." You are now well on your way to murdering squirrels and dressing them up in Barbie clothes.
Oct. 10, 2011

To a certain food court eatery I would like to ask: How long does it take you guys to make a Fuddruckin' hamburger!?
Oct. 7, 2011

The huge expansion of our local dollar store must have cost a lot of money. I wonder if they paid $1 million in one million dollar bills?
Oct. 6, 2011

"Inhaling product can be fatal. If inhaled, seek fresh air." - warning label on air freshener.
Oct. 4, 2011

The neighbors' cat proudly brought us the gift of an animal carcass to our doorstep. He ate everything except the stomach. Apparently he doesn't have the stomach for stomach.
Oct. 4, 2011

The new album by "House" star Hugh Laurie poses a problem for the iTunes store as it will have to create the first mp3 covered with dust.
Oct. 3, 2011

I toured the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame for the first time. The walk-through is well-designed. In fact, if you stay on the red line, you can avoid the Paul Simon exhibit altogether.
Oct. 2, 2011

The inventor of Doritos died. He was laid to rest in the world's noisiest body bag.
Sept. 29, 2011

As if I didn't have enough problems, Glenn Fry just informed me I belong to the city.
Sept. 28, 2011

Shia LeBeouf battles Transformer robots without a scratch. I can't root through my toolbox without slicing a finger open.
Sept. 27, 2011

Trying to break ice with NASCAR fan - Me: Who's your favorite driver? / Him: Mike Wallace. / Me: The 60 minutes guy? / (Stare blankly at each other.)
Sept. 26, 2011

Blue jay to sparrow: "I want to have your baby. I mean...I want to have your baby for dinner. Sorry, that wasn't very clear."
Sept. 25, 2011

I've watched too much Burn Notice when I hear Michael in my head telling me how to make a late-night snack so as not to wake the family.
Sept. 24, 2011

Carrie Fisher dropped 50 lbs. - Jenny Craig split her open with a light saber and spread her innards all over Han Solo.
Sept. 23, 2011

Attention dog groomers in my town: Whoever throws in a free back shave for me gets the job. Let the bidding war begin!
Sept. 22, 2011

Kim Kardashian: "At home, I'll be Mrs. Humphries, but out on the street, I'll be Kim Kardashian." (How cool would it be if she ended up on the street?)
Sept. 20, 2011

"He said he didn't like my kind, 'cause I was a bit too leisurely." No, Prince, that's not why he didn't like you.
Sept. 19, 2011

"This sugar-free chocolate may act as a laxative," SHOULD REALLY BE IN LARGER PRINT!!!!!!
Sept. 18, 2011

My grandma, may she rest in peace, was a teacher who used the word "queer" as in "strange." She'd say, "He sure looks like a queer one." Although, she usually said it about Paul Lynde.
Sept. 17, 2011

It's dangerous work reading gas meters. Especially mine since it's located under a 2nd story air conditioning unit that I secured myself
Sept. 16, 2011

Today at the gym, I watched a fitness infomercial featuring a hot chick. Me: "Now, THAT'S what I'm talkin' about!" All the guys in the gym turned to look, TV cut to a guy's 6-pack.
Sept. 15, 2011

Hey, old naked guys at my gym, I don't think "Go to hell!" is an appropriate response when someone offers to buy each of you your own bathrobe.
Sept. 14, 2011

I don't get why anyone would want to write a manifesto. Why would you do whatever you want, then give yourself a 1500 page homework assignment?
Sept. 13, 2011

If I were Bono and a cashier asked, "Did you find what you were looking for?" I'd cut loose with that song.
Sept. 12, 2011

When I'm gone, I hope that people remember me as a man of conviction. Or maybe not. Eh, what do I care.
Sept. 11, 2011

I lectured my daughter on learning to tie her shoes. Then she watched me try to open a package of string cheese for 10 minutes.
Sept. 10, 2011

If satellite radio dropped signals are any indication, pilots can avoid being detected by enemies if they cover their plane with tree branches.
Sept. 9, 2011

80's teen pop singer Tiffany is writing a book about how to survive in the music business (from 1986-88.)
Sept. 7, 2011

If "germs" really exist, then how come I always lick all my guests' silverware and nobody gets sick? No response? Yeah, I thought not.
Sept. 6, 2011

A woman robbed Alex Trebek's apartment while he slept. I wonder if she heard Jeopardy music in her head while she ransacked the place?
Sept. 5, 2011

Headline I'd like to write: Michael Jackson's family continues to honor him by shining spotlights on themselves.
Sept. 4, 2011

I'm so embarrassed. Turns out "Vampire Weekend" is the name of a band and not Nancy Grace having a sleep over at LaToya Jackson's house.
Sept. 3, 2011

Star Trek nerd 1: Well, THAT boomeranged on me. //Nerd 2: Yes, you've been hoisted on your own Picard! (Both laugh and snort hysterically.)
Sept. 2, 2011

At first, I thought the Jennifer Lopez biography was going to be the most amazing show ever. But I misunderstood and assumed the title "back story" meant she taught her ass to talk.
Sept. 1, 2011

I think if meteorologists are dumb enough to report live from a hurricane, then during a sweltering heat wave they should have to lay on the hood of a car.
Aug. 31, 2011

In the wake of the Rupert Murdoch scandal, several other high-profile Brits are retiring. So what do you say, Russell Brand?
Aug. 30, 2011

Definition: Tit for Tat - A woman letting a tattoo artist cop-a-feel in exchange for body art.
Aug. 29, 2011

Little known fact: Brazil was the first country to grow peanuts. The natives referred to them as "Honkey Toes."
Aug. 27, 2011