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Catwomen of the Moon (1953)
Starring John Agar, Jean Byron, Philip Tongue, Robert Hutton, John Carradine, Hal Torey. Produced by Robert E. Kent, Directed by Edward L. Cahn

I would like to dedicate this review of Catwomen of the Moon to a dear friend of mine. He was there for me in good times and in bad and even babysat once in a while. Of course I'm talking about the entertainment superstore, Media Play. OK, so I may be exaggerating just a bit (there were no "bad times" at Media Play).

One sunny day I drove to shop at my favorite b-movie store and was greeted with a giant banner that read "store closing." Immediately, the sun leaped like a bouncing ball behind a black cloud and a thunderstorm of Biblical proportions took its place. I believe it rained actual angel's tears though I can't be certain because I was too busy hyperventilating.

Without bias, I can tell you the air in Media Play smelled like country flowers and the restrooms were so clean you could lick pudding off the floors.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. "In the beginning," (and by that I mean 1992) there was free coffee. Now, for those of you who don't particularly care for this piping-hot beverage, you will not appreciate this. But for those of you who do -- FREE COFFEE! This didn't last long, of course, and on the day they stopped serving it, I remember thinking, "No more free coffee? This is an outrage! I'm never coming back here again! This place will go under!" (I guess I called that one!) But my cooler head, starved for bargain-priced b-movies, prevailed.

If you've never perused Media Play's endless aisles of entertainment, allow me to take you on a mental tour: On your right, was your seasonal items, specifically Halloween. I still regret not buying a giant eyeball equipped with a motion-sensor that made it appear to look around the room. What was I thinking??? Behind these aisles, stood a wall filled with the world's strangest assortment of action figures. I still regret not buying a 12-inch Vincent Price figure from Return of the Fly. What was wrong with me??? The oddest was an action figure of Arvin Sloan, evil genius from the TV series Alias. I thought that one was hilarious. What are kids supposed to do with an Arvin Sloan doll? Hatch a plan? I really regret not buying that one! Regrets? Oh, yeah -- I've made a few. I always thought it would be great to win a contest where I would get to live in Media Play for a week. I would survive on nothing but Dr. Pepper and Snickers Poppables. To maximize my fun, I would probably write down an entertainment schedule using a Sharpie and a plastic shopping bag like this:

Why not just shop at Best Buy or Circuit City, you ask? Media Play was different from other electronic stores because it was layed out like a giant living room complete with sofas and chairs. Plus, I feel a bit of nostalgia because I used to take my daughter there to play when she was just a few months old. It was the only store in town that had a play area just for toddlers with puzzles and those grungy legos that hundreds of runny-nosed kids had already played with. Everything in the children's area cried out, "Boil us in Clorox! We beg you!" Ah, but they were great times. She would play endlessly while I sat with my steaming cup of Tim Horton's and read the latest issue of my favorite monster magazine Filmfax without paying for it. It was like a scene from On Golden Pond.

In the store's final days, throngs of people scoured for discounts like vultures picking at bones. "What's wrong with you people?!," I yelled in my own head, "Don't look for bargains -- stand up and fight! Take my lead and we'll force Sam Goody to keep this store open!" It would've been a glorious battle, too. Like something from Lord of the Rings, I would have led the charge up Mount Goody to face evil king Sam. Atop my steed (The Giant Claw) I would have led an army of pimple-faced cashiers. Scrawny software nerds would be my knights. My archers would be pot-bellied, Kurt Cobain wannabees in black t-shirts. Not to exclude the fairer sex, the catapults would be operated by lip-pierced Goth girls. But instead of hurling boulders, these catapults would propel pointy Nightmare Before Christmas figurines (those things can take an eye out!).

It was then I purchased Catwomen of the Moon (That's a lie. I got it as a Christmas present from my wife, but it's the only way I could think of to tie in the review).

The rocketship "Moon Rocket 4 Code 63" blasts through space carrying its panic-stricken 5-person crew strapped to futuristic futons. Helen Salinger, ship's navigator and love interest to every man on board, finds a compact and comb to fix her makeup and brush her hair. Walt, who anticipated a female astronaut from the 1950s might do something like this remarks, "Am I gonna win some bets!" Back on Earth, White Sands wants to hear a few words from its heroes. Preferably, something really quotable that will inspire future generations. Unfortunately, what they get is, "Look out for that first step...it's a pip!" White Sands silently groans. Helen mysteriously stares straight ahead, as if in a trance, and says, "Hello, Alpha. We're on our way."

This next scene contains two key elements: The film's best line of dialogue ("Something's imbedded in our rear section!") and b-moviedom's most unique rocket ship dilemma: a meteor (known to travel between 25,000 to 160,000 mph) has slammed right up the engine and remains lodged! Luckily, the same metoers that form craters on hard, lunar surfaces causes no harm to the ship but the impact causes the passengers to roll around in their wheeled office chairs. But the question remains, how do you remove a pesky meteor from a rocket engine? After all, it's not like you can just spin the ship around real fast until inertia flings it out. Actually, that's exactly what you can do! The crew secure themselves by buckling their office chair lap belts and the Moon Rocket 4 Code 63 spins around and around, faster and faster, until the meteor is propelled back into space as you'll see when you play the following video clip:

But they're not out of the woods yet. The details of the damage are a little sketchy but it seems a container is leaking a dangerous gas causing the atomic chamber to overheat. Kip dons a hooded radiaiton suit from a row of lockers (office furniture, gym lockers...is weight an issue on this rocket at all???) and climbs down into the atomic chamber and saves the ship. If only more atomic reactors could be cooled with a fire extinguisher! The best part of this scene though is when he climbs back up the ladder, the actor can't find the hatch with the hood over his face and accidentally bumps his head on the "steel" ceiling causing the whole prop ceiling to move! Later, Kip regains consciousness on his curvy futon, his only injury appears to be a bandaged thumb! Helen, the only crewmember with nothing better to do than be Kip's wetnurse, sits beside him and they have this strange exchange (Roll clip:)

At this time I should mention, and this is no joke, this film has an actual "dialogue director" named Douglas Fowley. I mention this because Commander Laird tells Helen the navigator, "Better pick your landing spot and start figurin'." WAKE UP, DOUG!

Helen surprises the crew by informing them she's chosen an area on the dark side of the moon to land even though they hadn't prepared for it, adding "I don't know why I know, I just know." But her assurances are good enough for Laird who replies, "OK, Helen, you're the navigator." When the ship lands safely on the moon, commander Laird informs everyone they can unbuckle the safety belt on their office chairs. Helen jubilantly remarks, "See? I knew it was the right place!" Laird laughs and says, "And someday I'm going to ask you how!" Laird is a commander who's clearly in charge.

The crew puts on their ever-fashionable space suits with helmets that resemble giant suction cups. Helen stuffs a pack of cigarettes in her belt while Kip brings along a loaded revolver. "I wish you wouldn't let him do that," whines Helen, "either we're on a scientific expedition or we're a bunch of Boy Scouts on an outing!" (??? Boy Scouts bring hand guns to outings?! This would be a great time for a dialogue director...DOUG!) When Laird chastises the crew for being infantile, Doug says, "I'd better leave this behind, then." And shows a sign he's brought with him that reads, "LOS ANGELES CITY LIMITS." (Just a side note, the day after this mission ended, NASA began the astronaut training program.)

The crew explores the dark side of the moon on foot. In the soundless vacuum of space, they hear a meteor headed right for them! A little research reveals meteors can travel up to 160,000 miles per hour. Luckily, these astronauts are able to outmaneuver it by ducking.

They arrive at what Laird calls "the dividing line," where the dark side of the moon meets the bright side. Laird takes one of Helen's cigarettes and tosses it onto the ground where it ignites, again, in the vacuum of space. The cigarette also falls quickly because even though lunar gravity is merely 1/3 of the Earth's, cigarettes weigh three times as much on the moon -- it's a fact, look it up. Soon they find the cave Helen predicted earlier. "There it is," says Laird blindly, "just like Helen said." Finally, Kip has to take Laird aside and be like, "Listen you idiot, can't you see something's up? Helen knows her way around an uncharted moon!" Laird, who I'm pretty sure NASA just found in a bowling tournament somewhere, ignores his warning.

They discover oxygen in one of the lunar caves and remove their helmets. Immediately they are overcome by the pungent odor of cat urine. Just kidding. While Kip and Laird argue about who should lead the team, a giant spider with a horn on its head rears its ugly, uh, horned head. But as it turns out, the moon not only has the largest spiders but the wimpiest! You might think a spider the size of a pool table would have these guys webbed up in nothing flat, but the four crewman immediately jump on the spider and kill it with small knives while the spider screeches. Its puppet arms dangling in its own fishing line. Meanwhile, Helen, as it's written for every actress facing danger in the history of movies, runs, trips and falls.

The boys save her, but just when Helen thinks she's safe, a second spider (oh, who are we kidding - it's the SAME spider) descends upon her! Kip kills it with his NASA-approved six-shooter. Laird, always thinking about his crew, says, "You rest, Helen. We're going to have a look around" and then they leave her again! I guess it would be impossible for there to be a third moon spider! While Helen waits to be eaten, a slender, unitard catwoman sneaks up and creates some sort of tattoo or branded emblem on Helen's palm and runs away! Laird, who at this point has got to be the poorest excuse for a commander, returns with news that someone has stolen all their spacesuits that they left unguarded in a big pile by the cave entrance. Unable to leave the cave without them, they decide to forge ahead, deeper into the cave. When they reach the end, they discover a new world. They see a landscape, a city complete with blue sky and clouds overhead - all underneath the surface of the moon! And you know what? They don't seem a bit surprised.

They enter an ancient city that seems to be abandoned. Suddenly, crewman Doug is ambushed by a would-be cat-napper but the other guys save him. Under attack, Laird raises the terror alert to "yellow" and wisely commands, "Everyone spread out!" Laird knows in the event of an attack it's important to thin your forces as much as possible. The crew, unable to distract the catwomen with balls of string or shining a flashlight on the floor, fall quickly to the feline marauders and are soon taken to meet the queen momma kitty, Alpha. It's as good a time as any to point out that nothing indicates these are "catwomen." They don't call themselves "catwomen" or dress in any way like cats. Not even their architecture or the artwork that adorns their walls are catlike in any way. So why is this movie named "Catwomen"? We'll get to that in a moment.

Alpha explains how their planet came to be devoid of the Y chromosome. Centuries ago, when their ancestors discovered their atmosphere was disappearing, they decided to conserve oxygen by killing the men. (If the goal was to conserve oxygen, they killed off the wrong gender. They should have eliminated the gender that does all the talking!) Alpha explains Helen was brainwashed into exploiting the men's weak points. Meanwhile, the guys fall for their charms and homecooking, except for Kip who sulks alone in a chair. You see, Kip doesn't trust these aliens and is determined to play it safe. He demonstrates this by stuffing a loaded gun down the front of his pants. Meanwhile, Alpha asks Laird, "Tell me how you engage the automatic pilot." Laird chuckles, "Well, that's rather complicated." No it isn't, this is a b-movie! Just press the button labeled "AUTO PILOT" in 72 point Helvetica bold!

Walt is informed by a catwoman that there's a cave filled with gold. "More gold than you could ever take with you in a hundred years," she says. To which Walt, a supposed brilliant astronaut replies, "You mean it just hangs around loose?" (Sigh. Yes, Walt. It just hangs around loose. Douglas Fowley you are SO fired!) It would be easy for them to transport all that gold if they unloaded about a thousand pounds of steel office furniture and lockers they've been carrying! Moments later, Walt disappears! This is where we find out Walt's last name. Do you want to guess what it is? Kip calls out, "Walt? Can you hear me? Walt Walters!" (Sigh. That's right -- Walt ... Walters.) Upon learning of Walt's kidnapping, commander Laird makes another clueless comment, "I don't think he's in any danger at all!" Does this guy have any leadership skills??? Next, Kip and Helen have another great "moment":

The next scene is where we find out exactly why they're called "catwomen." After all, they don't dress in cat costumes and they don't have claws (Although there is one deleted scene where Alpha licks herself clean, the hair turns into a clump getting trapped in the gastrointestinal tract until she passes the hairball by vomiting). It's actually during Helen's talk with Kip that he asks, "How will these catwomen make their play?" And that's it. THAT'S why this movie's titled, "Catwomen of the Moon." Who knows how close the title came to being, "Dizzy Broads of the Moon."

Meanwhile, Doug is back on the spaceship with a catwoman, and she's soaking up secret spaceship information faster than kitty litter. Next, while we are being tortured with a catwomen dance number, the crew gets off easy by being killed. Walt is mistaken for a scratching post when he gets a knife in the back. This could have been avoided if they had placed bells around their necks when they had the chance. Doug lucks out because his catwoman falls for him and confesses she was sent to kill him. She remarks, "How can I be sure you'll return? One doesn't gamble two million years of civilization on a promise." TWO MILLION YEARS??? I'm pretty sure even I could build my a rocket ship if I lived 2 million years! (Then again, I've lived 39 years and I just learned to flip a fried egg without breaking the yoke.)

Kip discovers that when he holds Helen's hand with the seal on her palm, it breaks the telepathic contact with Alpha. "Let go of my hand," cries Helen. "Not this time, baby!" Kip replies. When Helen confesses her true love for Kip, Laird gets jealous and decks him. In the squirmish, Helen leaves with Alpha and a third Catwoman and heads for the ship. Doug's catwoman ally teleports ahead to in an attempt to convince Helen to resist. But they kill her with a rock, thus ending any notion she might have nine lives. The race is on to prevent the catwomen from reaching the ship before they can fly to earth and smother earth babies by sleeping on their faces! (Oh, that's just an old wives tale?) Finally, Kip shows Laird who the real leader is by ... killing the catwomen in cold blood! You've read correctly. Kip, one of our heroes, has just murdered the catwomen with his 'peacemaker'! What about poor Helen? For someone Kip professes to love, he was flinging some lead in her direction, too! At the film's conclusion, they momentarily mourn the catwomen. The people of Earth will appreciate this thoughtfulness, especially the family of Walt whose body they left on the moon.

Media Play epilogue: The day I visited Media Play for the last time, some guy in front of me farted. I couldn't help but think this was the store's way of cutting the cord. "Thanks for visiting me," the store would say if it had a giant mouth, "but it's time for you to go now." Goodbye, Media Play old friend. By the way, if you'd like to know which item was the last to sell, there were about two dozen copies of the CD, Culture Club's Greatest Hits. If you happen to know him, please don't tell Boy George. We wouldn't want to make him feel weird.

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