The Brain That Wouldn't Die (1962)
Starring Herb Evers, Virginia Leith, Leslie Daniel. Written and directed by Joseph Green. Produced by Rex Carlton

I collect pet peeves the way some people collect baseball cards or online photo galleries of pylons (real web site). I don’t know why some things don’t bug me at all and other, everyday things make me want to rip my own eyelids right off my face.

Case in point: The other day I found myself trying to exit one of those gigantic, oddly-shaped parking lots. You know the kind -- an entire town compacted into one convenient location? I got into my car to leave and I forgot where I entered the plaza. No big deal, right? I drove toward one end of the lot, passing rows and rows of parked cars, until I came to the end aaaaaaand ... no exit. A 4-inch-high little cement curb just sat there looking at me. Now, I know what you must be asking: “You can’t find your way out of a parking lot? Come on!” But I’m not talking about your ordinary grocery store parking lot. I’m talking about a parking lot that has no horizons. A parking lot that takes up one quarter of the Earth’s surface. I would stand a better chance of getting home if I was sucked into a black hole and randomly ejected throughout the universe.

After taking a left, passing by planters, mailboxes, basically everything you can anchor into cement except, of course, an exit sign, I pull up to a bending curb that lures me like a temptress. “Over here! I’m the way out! I’m the way to salvation,” says the curb in its sexiest voice. So I stupidly listen and drive up a hill to the next parking lot. I drove…up a hill. This parking lot is subdividing like living cells! When I reach the upper lot, I can’t believe my eyes – this one is roomy enough to launch a fleet of zeppelins.

At this point, I’m so angry I’m nearly bending the steering wheel with my bare hands! (Actually, I’m gripping the steering wheel so hard the little knobbing things are hurting my artist hands so I ease off). I see a line of cars leaving so I try to join them. I begin my journey across another lot. Time goes by. I celebrate my own birthday right there in the car. I change careers a couple of times. When I reach the line of cars -- there's a curb between us! I'm still in a separate lot! The curb torments me. “Why don’t you just jump me?” it nags, “I'm only 4 inches high! Oh, that’s right -- You don’t drive a pickup, you drive a 97 Oldsmobile!” (In my own defense, I could jump the curbs and it would only cost me a grand in realignment services and four new tires...and the curbs know that.) “I hate you, little curbs!!!” I scream inside my own head loud enough for dogs to look my way.

But wait! What’s that? There’s a sign attached to one of the lot's many street lights! (So many giant street lights they nearly blot out the sun. From an airplane, this place must look like a giant hair brush. This must be an exit sign! So I drive about a thousand miles to read it. It says, “This is private property.” It’s nice to know the architects weren’t so much concerned about my navigation as much as they were afraid I might build a log cabin next to the cart return! Twenty-two years later, I’m back on the highway, drenched in sweat, looking for a clock tower from which to exact my revenge.

What I felt at that moment is what's adorably known as a “pet peeve.” Such a cute little name for something that can bring you to the very brink of sanity. What does this have to do with The Brain that Wouldn’t Die? Jan, the lead character, also has a pet peeve. But instead of being miffed at a TV remote that constantly works its way between couch cushions or standing in line forever at a "fast food" burger place because someone in front of me ordered a Mandarine orange salad with sixty-six toppings, her grievance is equally minor: Her severed head is being kept alive by her boyfriend in a lasagna pan!

The Brain that Wouldn’t Die begins in an operating room where Jan, a nurse, consoles two weary surgeons. “You did everything you could,” she says. But her father, the cranky old Dr. Cortner responds, “Everything but save my patient.”  His son, the reckless surgeon Dr. Bill Cortner, sarcastically replies, “Sure -- everything in the books.” Young Bill Cortner is a mad doctor trying to resurrect the dead.

Finally, dad gives in and says, “The corpse is yours. Do whatever you want.” (He says it like Bill's going to make a planter out of him or something.) Dr. Cortner applies electric current to the patient’s heart while he, as he puts it, “works on the brain area.” Within seconds the patient’s hand is moving. Bill boasts to his father, “You’ve already lost your patient … I’m going to save mine!” He makes good on his word, massaging the patient’s heart and voila! – the patient is alive!

Further conversation reveals three things about Bill that should scream that he's a "mad scientist": 1. He has created a special “compound” (only mad scientists create “compounds”). 2. The hospital’s amputeed limbs have been stolen. 3. When his father talks about selling his country house, his son freaks out saying, “YOU CAN’T SELL THAT HOUSE! I mean…that’s where I go to … get away from anyone snooping around.”

Bill happens to be engaged to nurse Jan. They’re very much in love, always smooching and such. Receiving a message that something terrible has happened at the country house, he and Jan drive out to see what’s wrong, adding, “Well, you’ve always wanted to know what’s been keeping me so busy … let’s go.”

The doctor is a genius, but not real sharp at reading road signs that read things like “winding road”, “curve” and “stop”. He loses control of the car and slams into a guard rail causing a horrific accident (Actually, we don’t see the accident -- the camera zooms in on a guardrail and the doctor rolls across a lawn. Saved a lot of money on that scene! It may be the only car accident scene ever filmed without a car! Bill is only dazed and manages to crawl back to the car which is now burning with Jan inside. We only see her hand (which suspiciously looks like a meaty stunt man’s hand) reaching out of the fire. The doctor does what anyone would do in this situation: HE WRAPS HER SEVERED HEAD IN HIS JACKET AND RUNS OFF WITH IT! One of the great b-movie scenes of all time! He takes off like Franco Harris!

The camera follows him as he runs what appears to be a mile or so through the countryside with Jan’s head under his arm until he reaches his dad’s country house. He is greeted by a doctor with a deformed hand known to us only as “Curt” (or possibly “Kurt”). Bill tells him to prepare the operating room to which Curt (Kurt) replies, “But don’t you want to have a look in the closet first?!” Hmm, curious! Next, we see Bill work franticly with his test tubes. The camera follows the mysterious fluid as it flows through clear plastic hoses until it reaches … Jan in a pan! That’s right, his beloved fiancé’s severed head now sits in a big square pan. Jan begins to speak (which is really amazing considering she doesn’t have any lungs). “I remember fire…fire !,” whispers Jan.

Bill, sidetracking the whole, “ Uhh…yeah, I drove us off the road…” conversation, prefers to concentrate on the positive by insisting he can make her whole again by finding her a new body. Curt (Kurt) continues to argue with Bill saying, “Can’t you see this is madness? A head transplant can’t be done!” (Can’t be done?? HEY, CURT…IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T NOTICED, A SEVERED HEAD JUST TALKED TO YOU! THE HARD PART’S ALREADY DONE!) Bill tells Jan, “Rest now, darling.” (Rest? Where is she supposed to go -- she’s a paperweight!) Curt reveals that his deformed arm was caused by one of Bill’s failed experiments. As a way for the producer to get out of paying actors to play policemen, Bill says, “I don’t think the police will track me here because her body was burned in the wreckage.” (Yeah, the police tend to ignore fatal car accidents).

Curt reminds him to look in the closet which is actually a locked room holding another of Bill’s failed experiments. (I’m confused -- is Bill a genius or isn’t he?) Whatever’s in the closet must be big because it’s kept behind a reinforced locked door with a smaller locked door located near the top.

Bill  tells Curt he only has 50 hours to keep Jan’s brain alive. Imagine Bill’s emotional pain – your beloved fiancé clings to life! If she doesn’t get a new body in just over 2 days, she’ll die! Time is of the essence! There’s just enough time to … check out every strip club in town! What guys won’t do for love!

He picks out a lovely young lady and follows her back to her dressing room. “Do you hustle for the house?” asks Bill (Gee, he sure knows a lot of strip club terminology for a surgeon!) The insulted stripper, replies, “I hustle for MYSELF!” (Ooh, convictions!)

Back at the country house, Jan has discovered she can communicate telepathically with whatever’s in the closet. She asks, “Knock once if you can hear me.” It does. And it sounds pretty big. She insists the procedure has given her “power”, but as far as I can tell she’s still just a head in lasagna pan. Jan has some pretty good lines in this movie. When Curt sneaks into the lab, Jan says, “Like all quantities, horror has its ultimate – and I’m that!” Curt is still really peeved because, over time, his arm has continued to wither. Jan, on the other hand, is mad because, y’know … she’s just a head.

 “There is a horror beyond yours, and it’s in there … locked behind that door! Paths of experimentation twist and turn through mountains of miscalculation, and often lose themselves in error and darkness,” yells Jan, apparently illustrating her power to create confusing analogies.

The next day, Bill goes trolling for babes. He runs into an old girlfriend, Donna, who invites him to (as luck would have it) a bathing suit contest! (Hey Bill – you’re on a deadline, buddy!) He hears about Dorris, a woman who has a disfigured face but “the greatest body”. Meanwhile, Jan can mentally hear doc’s idea of killing someone for her. (Do you think she can also tell he’s at a bathing suit contest?) Dr. Cortner shows up at Dorris’ apartment (sexy saxophone music in the background).

Bill offers to fix her face. He convinces her to “throw something on” and go back to the country house with him.

Curt (Kurt) returns to the lab with a tray of food. He tells Jan, “I’ve come to feed your friend (motions toward the closet). While you feed yourself with hate, he prefers food!” (Oh! Major putdown!) Jan responds with a slam of her own: “Your thoughtless sniveling fear becomes you more.” (Oooh, Curt (Kurt), you’ve been served!) “What makes you think I’m afraid of you – a mere head in search of a body?!” (Oh, it’s ON!)

Jan: People fear what they don’t understand!”
Curt: You’re nothing but a freak of life! And a freak of death! I’m getting fed up with you and your insidious talk!” He should have cut out your tongue while he was at it! I hope he prolongs your existence into a lifetime of agony, you miserable fool!” (Wow! TKO! It may seem as if Curt is the victor but Jan coaxes the thing in the closet to break the door down and attack him. (So, I guess Jan kind of wins.)

“Get him!” Jan commands in a whispering yell! Suddenly, the largest hand this side of Andre the Giant's grab’s Curt’s arm and rips it off! “Kill him!” yells Jan, apparently not yet over Curt’s insults. Curt is suddenly out of quips as he runs around in agony, bleeding all over the place while Jan laughs maniacally (again, without the use of lungs). Curt overacts for quite some time before (mercifully for us) bleeding to death.

Bill and Dorris arrive at the country house and chat. Bill leaves his date for a moment to check on his fiance’s head and his unconscious assistant who’s arm has been torn off. Bill’s probably thinking, “Great. As if I wasn’t busy enough, now I’ve got to find a stripper’s arm for Curt.” Bill closes the little window on the closet door but forgets to lock the latch. He then pours himself a drink (Wow! An actor in a 50’s b-movie waits until almost the end of the movie to have a drink! That must be a record). Actually he pours two drinks, one for himself and a “mickey” for Dorris. He gives an ominous toast, “Here’s to your future, Dorris, whatever it may be.”

Down the hatch! When Dorris regains consciousness, she finds herself on an operating table next to Jan. “Her body will soon be yours,” says Bill. “But, it isn’t right! You must be stopped!,” groans Jan. ( Y’know, Jan could be a little appreciative! I mean, most women struggle with diet and exercise. She’s getting the perfect body -- maintenance free! Sure, she’ll have a little trouble with the law if she’s ever finger printed but hey, why worry about that right now?)

Bill says the drug will soon wear off so he has to operate quickly. (That shouldn’t be much trouble for a guy who can perform open heart surgery in five minutes). He then asks Jan for silence. When she refuses, he tapes her mouth shut (Even if things work out, Bill's going to hear about this one for a long time!) But Jan doesn’t need to speak to communicate with the thing in the closet. Soon the giant is pounding on the door. Again, for a genius, Bill makes two more critical errors. 1. He walks over to the door. 2. He fails to lock the little door. Now, if you just put a sheet over the last guy who got his arm ripped off by a thing through a little door, wouldn’t you remember to LOCK the little door? At any rate, the big hand is back, grabbing Bill by the face! The monster is so big and powerful he takes the door off its hinges without letting go of Bill. Their struggle overturns chemicals that ignite. (I suppose the police won’t investigate a house fire?)

The monster takes a bite out of Bill’s throat Mike Tyson-style. It’s pretty gross – the monster’s holding the flesh in his teeth, takes it out, looks at it, then throws it on the floor. As Bill writhes on the floor in agony, I wonder if he’s thinking, “Now I’ve got to find a stripper’s throat for me, an arm for Curt…I hope there are enough strippers in this town!” The creature picks up Dorris and carries her outside to safety while the fire rages inside. “I told you … you should have let me die,” yells Jan. And Bill’s probably thinking, “Yep!

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